1.
Because now your kids will stop falling out of their beds.
2.
Your fitted sheets will be neat and flat.
3.
All of your hard-boiled eggs will now be heart-shaped.
4.
But best of all, the eggs will be perfect and unblemished.
5.
And you could even make, like, a hundred of them at once.
6.
Your white wine will always be the perfect chill temperature.
7.
Access ALL OF THE SNACKS with one spin of your hand.
8.
Get 30 seconds of your life back.
9.
Get a FULL MINUTE of your life back.
10.
You will never have a bad hair day.
11.
And your clothes will actually FIT.
12.
Speaking of laundry...
13.
You'll finally be able to tell your keys apart.
14.
They'll match your perfect colorful manicure.
15.
Break in your new shoes in less than five minutes.
16.
Now you know the proper way to eat a cupcake.
17.
Your sponges won't be all gross.
18.
Never suffer from Sriracha Overload again.
19.
Anytime you feel tears coming on...
20.
Your home will smell amazing.
21.
All the stink will be eradicated from your life.
22.
All your ice cream will be eaten out of a COOKIE BOWL.
23.
The same ice cream that you didn't even need to thaw out!
24.
Keep your favorite pair of jeans, even if the zipper keeps sliding down.
25.
Never again endure the sadness of squished bread.
26.
Your next bag of microwave popcorn will be kernel-free.
27.
That pancake batter is gonna come out REAL smooth.
28.
Your beer will be ready to drink within 15 minutes of arriving home from the supermarket.
29.
And you can store them without taking up the whole top shelf.
30.
You will be organized for once.
Your drawers will look like this...
Your spice rack will look like this....
You will clean, because your cleaning products will be neatly displayed in a shoe organizer.
31.
Your face won't be greasy.
32.
And your sweaters won't be all linty.
33.
Your buttons will stop falling off.
34.
You'll be ready for any impending disaster.
35.
Mosquitoes will totally avoid you from now on.
36.
You'll find everything you ever lost in 2012.
37.
Your car will now have the appropriate number of cup holders.
38.
Your BLTs will all be AMAZING.
39.
In fact, you'll only be eating perfect sandwiches from now on.
40.
You'll be eating grilled cheese in no time.
41.
You'll realize there are multiple uses for every single thing ever.
42.
You will be the life of every party.
43.
You will spend the next year secretly drunk on beer.
44.
And more excitingly, vodka gummy bears.
