1. DON’T take photos of your food.
Not with Instagram, anyway. Remember that the nostalgic camera lens automatically turns any food into moldy, refried barf. Proof: this corn dog that Jessica Alba ate once. (Or maybe she didn’t — who knows?)
Some weird string cheese thing that Kim Kardashian likes to eat. The beginning stages of the saddest pizza ever?
2. DON’T take a photo of yourself wearing hipster glasses.
Unless one of the tags is #poser. (via Jessica Alba’s Instagram)
3. DO take photos of/with random Asian people.
This automatically denotes that you’ve been to exotic places.
4. DON’T take a photo of yourself trying to be a hipster.
“We’re trying to be hipsters.” — Jessica Alba.
5. DON’T take a photo of your Starbucks latte.
Jessica Alba’s Starbucks cup.
Maybe Zooey’s just talking to Siri or something.
9. DON’T post photos from your “Girls’ Night Out.”
(via Lauren Conrad’s Instagram)
11. DON’T take photos of your shoes.
Dane Cook’s boring-ass shoes.
An unflattering photo of Kim Kardashian’s feet.
12. Unless these are your shoes…
Lena Dunham’s cute shoes.
15. DON’T take a photo with your head cut off.
Ke$ha’s bottom lip + cleavage.
Demi Lovato’s boobs.
17. DO post anything involving glitter.
Ke$ha, covering herself with gold glitter.
18. DO take a photo of a toilet.
Unless you feel like it might be a symbol for your career. Drake’s toilet.
19. DO post a photo of yourself being incredibly brave as you undergo a medical procedure.
Jessica Alba, getting her second piercing re-pierced.
20. DON’T post a photo of yourself at the gym.
Ugh, Drake. What a showpony.
Oprah, chugging along on that elliptical.
21. DO post photos of any anomalies.
Giant ketchup bottle (via Drake).
22. DO post any photos of yourself interacting with exotic animals.
23. DON’T post photos of only yourself.
Lady Gaga has no friends.
Or look insanely depressed.
Lady Gaga, again with no friends.
25. DON’T post photos of yourself from the backseat of a car.
We get it. You have a chauffeur.
26. DO post a photo with famous comedians.
It shows that you love to laugh. Drake with the Parks and Rec gang.
27. DON’T post a photo of yourself making Duckface.
Kim Kardashian, pouting for no reason.
Rihanna, blowing a kiss yet somehow making it look like a “fuck you.”
28. DON’T post unnecessarily gratuitous photos.
Ashley Tisdale. Probably an outtake from an FHM shoot or something.
29. DON’T post a photo of yourself, laughing alone.
There’s not even a salad??? (via Adam Levine’s Instagram)
30. DO post a photo of yourself with a “Friday Night Lights” cast member.
Automatically endearing. (Taylor Swift with Zach Gilford.) <3 <3 <3
31. DO post artsy photos of yourself.
How else are people supposed to know that you’re interesting??? Rihanna, being interesting.
32. DON’T post gratuitous PDA photos.
(via Kelly Osbourne’s Instagram)
33. DON’T post a photo of your creepy eyelashes.
They give everyone nightmares. (Can you tell who this is? I don’t want to have to type it again.)
34. DO take photos with children, even if they aren’t your own.
Emmy Rossum with someone else’s kid.
Justin and Selena, with a bevy of lil’ randos.