There's a prick on my train talking on his mobile phone like he's on the fucking Apprentice.
3. No one should have to pose for a selfie because he was mistaken for Ed Sheeran.
5. If your train goes back to the future after hitting 88MPH, you should tell a member of staff or a police officer.
6. No train should ever – ever – have a pigeon on it.
Especially if it hasn’t got a valid railcard.