1. You can stop looking - this is the best headline of the year so far.
David Sherrat, 51, from Stoke, walked into his local pub naked with a bag “containing items of a sexual nature”. Police found amphetamine on him and he later admitted he “may have taken too much” of it, which sounds like something of an understatement.
2. From naked pub botherers to naked joggers in Denigh, North Wales, the UK has everything.
3. Cumbria’s News & Star proves that if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem when it comes to obesity.
4. A duck turned up at a college in Luton and… nope, that’s it. It’s worth remembering that ducks can fly.
6. Meanwhile, shit just got real in Bury St Edmunds.
The Bury Free Press reports that a silver Ford Galaxy broke down in Rougham Road, Bury, at 7.45am on Thursday. But don’t worry: “It was in the middle of two lanes but was removed by about 8.20am.”
7. We think it’s unlikely Scotland Yard’s finest minds will be brought in to solve this one.
8. From Christchurch, Dorset, the most British crime ever committed:
NICHOLAS PAUL ATTWELL aged 52 of Utrecht Court, Christchurch. Admitted burgling Poole and Bournemouth College, Christchurch Road, and stealing a cup of tea.
9. It’s that time of year again, Creme Eggs are in the shops, so people can make threats with them.
10. For some reason, there is a spate of animals going missing or being stolen at the moment. First, this heart-warming tale from Fife should brighten your day.
11. Sounds like kids in Merthyr Tydfil are trying to emulate the French lads who took a llama for a tram ride. But obviously they stole a lamb instead.
12. Steel yourself for a harrowing opening line in this story from the Matlock Mercury.
“Some pet bunnies had a lucky escape when a large gust of wind turned over their hutch – smashing it.”
Reader Karen Fry told the paper: “Luckily they were in the small bed area so weren’t thrown about too much, but completely covered in shavings!”