24. The Shoes- and Socks-Off Person.
I’m not angry with you, shoes-off person, just disappointed. Especially if your feet are on the seat in front.
23. The Massive Backpack That Takes Up the Space of Two People Person.
People wearing massive backpacks on a busy train or bus, the kind you could scale the Himalayas with, seem to have NO IDEA how annoying it is to have to manoeuvre around it. Just take the damn thing off please.
21. The “Let It All Hang Out” Person.
Less is more, my friend, less is more.
20. The Space Hogger.
We all like to spread out. We all enjoy the freedom and thrill of taking up the space of two or even three seats. Public transport is the greatest example of humankind getting on, together. But this is just not on.
So much jollity in the confines of a carriage mostly featuring bored/desperate commuters is just wrong.
17. The Person Who Smells Like They May Have Had Something Other Than Cornflakes for Breakfast.
Often, the morning bus or train commuter is faced with a co-traveller who is either traveling to work after a boozy night out, or they have turned to super-strength lager as a pick-me-up to start the day. It’s usually hard to tell, but it’s gross either way.
16. This Guy.
15. The “I’ll Just Leave My Bag Right Here” Person.
Don’t make me ask you to move your bag. Don’t FORCE me to talk to a stranger on a train.
14. The “Let’s Eat an Entire Meal on the Train” Person.
Anything that requires two hands is not suitable for trains and buses.
13. The Shoulder Sleeper.
Do you wake them up? Do you just leave them? Do you buy a bike and hope this never happens to you again?
12. The Nail Polish Person.
No one can fail to be impressed by the skill with which women apply their makeup on the top deck of a rickety bus that last had its suspension replaced in 1974, but can we agree the petrol fumes of nail polish are a step too far?
11. The Chewing Gum with Mouth Open Person.
Why not put “being able to chew in a manner that doesn’t horrify and disgust all of humanity” on your bucket list?
10. The Body Odour Man — sorry, it usually is a man.
There’s no polite way to say this: You smell.
9. The Never-Ending Phone Conversation Person.
It’s 7:30 a.m., you haven’t woke up yet. But the person next to you on the train is on her 14th phone call of the day, sorting out inconsequential middle management issues that affect no one in any meaningful earthly sense.
8. The Sniffer.
Unable to master the use of tissues, The Sniffer seeks to clear his of her nasal airway by snorting like a pig every five seconds. In extreme circumstances this person may sneeze on you, in which eventuality it is completely normal to jump out of the nearest window, regardless of your mode of transport.
7. The Public Display of Affection Couple.
If people wanted to feel awkward around people exchanging hormones in public they could just never leave school.
5. The Passive-Aggressive “Could You Just Move Down a Bit?” Person.
No, I may not move down the carriage. There is no space in which to move. The train is packed full of other people, very few of whom are as annoying as you.
4. The Person Who Won’t Move Down the Carriage.
You. Are. The. Worst. Person.
3. The Over-Sharer.
There are times — for example confiding in your best friend that you’re having a passionate, no-holds-barred affair with your co-worker, involving kinky sex — when it’s better to have a face-to-face conversation instead of one shared with 45 people on the 7:43 to London Bridge.
2. The “My Music Is So Amazing I Think Everyone Should Hear It Via These Shit Tinny Headphones” Person.
“OMG, that sounds so cool, you must be an incredible person.” —No One, Ever
1. The Singer.
As above, BUT WITH SINGING. Or humming. Which is almost worse.