1. Why not treat his schlong like a ping pong ball.
Jevtic / Thinkstock / Via cosmopolitan.com
3. Pretend to be surprised by his member.
4. Because there is no sexier phrase than “I’m going to give you a vaginal thumbprint.”
5. Spice things up a little – literally.
6. Combine sexy time with snack time by introducing a donut to the bedroom.
Anup Shah / Thinkstock / Via cosmopolitan.com
7. Become a sexy hand dryer.
8. Turn her on, somehow, by shouting down the phone.
9. Don’t break the skin or anything.
11. Put her in a sexy burrito / straitjacket.
Elenarts / Thinkstock / Via menshealth.com
12. Paint your own weird sex game.
Patrick Smith is the UK media editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in London.