We Ranked The Characters From “Labyrinth” By Hotness

    You remind me of the bae.

    by
    Patrick Campbell
    by Patrick Campbell

    BuzzFeed Fellow

    ,
    Mat Whitehead
    by Mat Whitehead

    BuzzFeed Staff

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    Whether you're gagging for a goblin, or lusting after Ludo, this definitive ranking of Labyrinth characters by hotness is all you need.

    16. Ambrosius

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    Let's be real. Ambrosius is a legit dog. That's too weird, even for us.

    15. Sarah's parents

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    Sarah's dad and stepmom have a SERIOUS attitude problem, and tbh there's nothing sexy about a shitty attitude. Sorry bout it, but these folks just don't cut the mustard.

    14. Right Door Knocker

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    There's a lot missing when it comes to Right Door Knocker, he's not the best conversationalist because of his over-extravagant tongue piercing, and he's got this weird rivalry with his brother. Also, size DOES matter, and those horns aren't gonna cut it.

    13. The Fireys

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    These dramatic little fuckers are the worst. They never shut the fuck up, and have you seen the twigs they dance on? Stop skipping leg day!!!!!!!!!

    12. Hoggle

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    Hoggle has a heart of gold and is honestly so cute. We think of him like a brother. Or like a really, realy wrinkly uncle. Just... a really good friend.

    11. The goblins

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    These guys aren't the nicest or brightest, but they're one of a kind, and there's enough to go around. Also have you seen those guys jump? UNF.

    10. Wiseman

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    Are those nose hairs or a moustache? Who cares, this guy is H. O. T. HOT! In a knowledgable way, he's full of wisdom, you know he'd love you right.

    9. The Hat

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    This clucky motherfucker can get it! That attitude, that confidence, it's the perfect combination in the perfect being. A talking hat as bae? Instant conversation starter.

    8. Left Door Knocker

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    Left Door Knocker is deaf to all your criticisms because he's literally got a bar through his ears, but he's also horny AF. Literally, he has horns.

    7. The Junk Lady

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    The Junk Lady is everything you want to be when you grow up. Haggard, carrying all your shit in a giant backpack and sassy AF. The Junk Lady is sexy goals.

    6. Sir Didymus

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    This is one sexy fuckin' fox terrier wearing an eye-patch and hat with a giant fuck-off feather in it. In fact we'd bet he's THE sexiest fox terrier wearing an eye-patch and hat with a giant fuck-off feather in it.

    5. Ludo

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    Some nights you just crave a big, strong, hairy, giant beast to spoon you at night. What better monster than Ludo, with his heart of gold. Plus, you know what they say about monsters with big ears... ;)

    4. Sarah Williams

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    Sarah is stunning AF, but you know what's a real turn-off? Being a terrible babysitter. Sarah is honestly THE WORST babysitter of all time and we can't look past that.

    3. The Four Guards

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    You heard of the 69? Well these fellas love the 88!!!!! Get amongst it.

    2. Jareth

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    No brainer.

    We just have one question: Is that a goblin in his tights, or is Jareth happy to see us?

    1. The Worm

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    Yes. That's right, The Worm is hotter than Jareth. You know you love him, from his fancy-ass accent to that damn fine scarf. Who doesn't love a fancy-ass worm in a damn fine scarf? Damn, daddy, you can wiggle into our Labyrinth any day.