18 Reasons To Skip The Mitten And Party With Us For The 4th

As you are by now aware, there is a party taking place this weekend in the suburbs of Chicago celebrating Freedom, Big Trucks, Guns, Bald Eagles, Football, Hot Dogs, Fat People, and the pursuit of the American Dream. The following is a factual account of why you should attend....

1. Friendship Is The Best.

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2. You Can't Argue With The Big Guy

It's in the bible, look it up.

3. Michigan Is Far As Shit

You might need to bring your passport, and a sherpa

4. St. Charles Is Not

A mere 1.5 hours, you wouldn't even make it to Gary in the other direction.

5. YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED NEXT WEEKEND

Not sure if you got the save the date.....

6. Hank Has A Life Jacket

7. And It's Friggin Adorable

8. Lakes Are Gross

Do you know what swimmers itch is? I do, and it's fucking terrible.

9. Pools Are Not

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10. I Just Bought This

And I will let you win

11. You Can Fulfil Your Lifelong Dream Of Dunking

12. And Spiking...Above The Net!

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13. We Can Make Sweet Trick Shots

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14. And Dance Routines

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15. Sleepovers Rule

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16. So Do House Parties

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17. And Campfires

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18. Finally, If You Go To Michigan, The Terrorists Win

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No pressure.