1. Serving barbecue without sliced bread.
Whether you fancy pickin’ up the drippin’s or an open-faced sandwich, you just need bread.
2. Un. Sweetened. Tea.
3. Keeping liquor stores open on the Lord’s Day.
Drive-through liquor barns mean you can stock up the other six days of the week without leaving your car. See also: It’s the Lord’s Day.
4. Koozie-free beers.
Koozies as wedding gifts. Koozies as beer gloves. Koozies as golf gloves. Koozies as barbecue mementos. Koozies as baby shower gifts. Koozies as life.
5. Not keeping up with the season’s hottest trends in blaze orange or camouflage.
Hunting is a lifestyle, not a hobby.
6. Making any kind of fall Friday night plans that don’t involve bleachers, calling referees’ names, and wearing the same colors as everyone around you.
Seats don’f fill themselves, football fans.
7. Driving anything that isn’t an SUV or a truck.
At any given moment, there’s a very real possibility you’ll actually have to drive around without concrete beneath your tires.
8. Neglecting to complement full tanks of gas with jerky.
Finely tuned machines like vehicles and human bodies require the right fuel.
9. Passing up Cheerwine anything.
Where do you even get the audacity to say no to Cheerwine? The heathen North, that’s where.
10. Ending a sentence without “sir,” “ma’am,” or “miss.”
Customer: “Thank you for your time, sir.”
Shopkeep: “Y’all come back, now, y’hear?”