1. The modified Moonwalk
Are you Michael Jackson? (Or Will Smith?) No? Then stop.
2. The white man’s overbite
Well, I mean, I guess for some, it’s the only option.
Remember when it was cool to force your way down into a crowd of hundreds of people jumping up and down and throwing punches? Me, neither.
4. That dance your boss does
Bad dancing is actually a course they make you take before you get your MBA.
5. Any dance you’ve ever done to your walkman
Pssst! No one else can hear the music! (Also, don’t play. You all know what a walkman is.)
Unlike many twerks, there’s a peen on the other end of it.
And sometimes it goes really wrong…
Remember, kids, daggering. It’s more dangerous than grinding. By a nose.
And sometimes politicians try it…
I’m not sure what’s worse, that girl probably breaking her neck, or Hillary Clinton getting down.
7. Any dance you’ve ever done while high
This is only what you think it looks like. This is not reality.
8. That dance you do when you’re happy
Will Smith also has a super-excited version of this.
It also comes in “girl.”
9. The Twist
10. The Elaine dance
11. That 1-2-3 shuffle thing
Does someone have to go to the bathroom?
12. The “He-ey, baby”
13. The headbob
14. Basically, any dance done by a white person
And Napoleon Dynamite
Although the jury is still out on this one. He did rock pretty hard.
And especially if you’re Gary Busey.
Okay, maybe the Blues Brothers can get away with it.
And you. I’m not talking about you. I’m sure you’re an excellent dancer. It’s only all those other people.
15. The washing machine
Or is it the Cabbage Patch?
16. The lawnmower
Really, any dance named after an appliance is a no-no.
Although this hasn’t always been the hilarity it is today. They used to take this very, very seriously.
18. Roller Disco
It’s disco. On roller skates. It cannot be cool.
Unless you’re this person.
Haters gonna hate.
19. The conga
20. The running man
Just kidding. (This isn’t ballet.)
22. Line dancing
Okay, so this guy (John Travolta) actually seems to have it down, but that’s kind of what he does (dances). You can’t fool me. I’ve been to weddings. I’ve seen line dancing in real life.
23. The cowboy
Or whatever it is you call this. (Haha, The Apache, actually. The opposite of the cowboy.)
24. The Carlton
You know, it’s important to note that Carlton also twerks…
Of course, not like this…
The bottom line is, all dances, when they first come out, are likened to sex. And they’re not sex. They’re dances. They all look strange to the old bats like me, rise in popularity anyway, then are destined to be made fun of by the younger generations who in turn come up with their new dancing forms (The Twist, anyone? Disco?).
It’s a beautiful evolution, really. Just keep it off my lawn, you damn kids.