How To Be Happily, Successfully Unemployed

A professional guide to making the most of being unemployed aka truly free.

1pm is a perfectly acceptable time to get up.

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Without a job forcing you to conform to some unnatural sleeping pattern, why get out of bed? Who needs the fulfilment of a successful career when you can enjoy the widely recognised benefits of sleep.

1pm is a perfectly acceptable time to start drinking.

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Most people and "the man" will look down on you for this, but they are just afraid. They are afraid of people like you and me, who dare to live a life free of employment and sobriety. Note: You can start drinking earlier, but you really should be sleeping.

1pm is a perfectly acceptable time to get high.

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You've slept through most of the working day, you're drunk, everyone is already judging you. So you may as well blaze. This will also help you realise that no matter how many times the working masses call you a an addict, it is they who are addicted, addicted to greed, money and consumption. They are unhappy. You are superior because you have found real happiness, and it only cost you $20 from that dreadlocked dude in Kings Cross.

Video game achievements are real achievements.

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Next time your friends ask if you've actually achieved anything recently, say to them confidently "YES, I have achieved a gold medal in Flight School on GTA V". If they are not proud and impressed, then they are not your friends. Who's to say that winning that tournament in FIFA, or completing that Skyrim quest aren't real achievements. What even is real, man.

Don't be ashamed that you contribute nothing.

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Despite what "society" might tell you, being unemployed is actually the happiest and most rewarding time in anyones life. People might call you "lazy" or "pathetic", but they are just jealous. They wish they were brave enough to contribute absolutely nothing.

Ask yourself, do I need to leave my house today? if not, don't shower.

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This may be what mainstream, job-having society deems "disgusting" or "unhygienic" but lets look at the facts. Firstly, body odour is natural and should not be suppressed. Secondly, these are uncertain times, and showering is a huge waste of precious water. There's people in other countries without clean water to drink, and here we are bathing in the stuff? That is what's really disgusting.

Finally, Anything, ANYTHING, is more important than finding a job.

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Once you are living a beautifully fulfilling unemployed life, "society" will pressure you to get a job. The trick here is to, write this down kids, make excuses. Familiarise yourself with the phrase "I was going to look for work but..." and then get creative. I need a haircut, Adventure Time is on, Who's going to feed my cat? All excellent examples of why today is not the day that you find work.