1. You wake up with a start only to realize that it’s 4:00 a.m., and you’ve still got another five hours left to sleep.
Take that, sun. I’m not dealing with your nonsense just yet.
2. Next time your eyes open, it’s 7:59 a.m., and you hit that off button just in time to cancel your alarm.
Not today, alarm! Your shrill beeping will not assault my ears this morning.
3. Time for breakfast! And look - there’s just enough cereal. You know what that means: bottom-of-the-bag sugar goodness.
Tried to trick me, cereal, didn’t you? Tried to make it seem like there wasn’t enough left? Joke’s on you!
4. And you’re out the door. What’s that sound? Is that the sound of the subway arriving just as you get to the platform? It is!
I win this round, public transit!
5. It’s e-reader time - until a stranger asks you directions, and you actually know the correct answer. Booyah!
Bested you again, difficult-to-navigate subway map.
6. As soon as you get to work, you head for the kitchen for some coffee. Looks like someone just made a pot. Nice.
Get out of my life burnt, stale coffee. There’s no room for you.
7. Just checking the ol’ social media now…look! A Facebook notification! And it’s not even an invite to an event you’ll never (nor were you ever expected to) go to!
Deal with it, social media. I’ve got friends.
8. Lunchtime. Looks like the man making your mixed salad was extremely generous with the shredded cheese! Today is truly your day.
Fear me, overpriced lunch spots - today, I get my money’s worth!
9. Wait. What’s that on your sleeve? Is that a stain? IS THAT A STAIN?? Oh - nope. It’s a shadow. Awesome.
I’ve got you all figured out, fluorescent light, oh yes I do.
10. Looks like the boss left ten minutes early. You know what that means? You’re leaving nine minutes early.
You don’t run my life, Time! I do!
11. Free samples outside of the new smoothie joint near your office? Yes please.
Guess who’s not here right now to tell me I’m spoiling my dinner? MOM.
12. Speaking of dinner, time for takeout. And it looks like your roommate is out for the night, so guess who’s got the living room to themselves?
You’re great, Lynda, but I can’t hear about your sinus infection right now. I can’t.
13. Is that the buzzer already? The takeout was estimated to arrive in 35-50 minutes - and it showed up in 15. And it’s the right order.
I win, Murphy’s Law. Step down.