9. Home Alone: when Kevin’s mother returns.
Ugh, Macaulay Culkin’s Kevin is so bratty. I’m totally rooting for the bad guys. Oh wait, he’s befriended his lonely old neighbour. Oh look, he’s wandering folornly round his empty house. Gasp! His mother’s finally come home, and she’s standing there looking all lovely and soft-focus while her lost little boy gazes at her unbelievingly. Oh look, I have something in my eye. A bit.
8. It’s a Wonderful Life: “Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Breathe. Breathe. If you breathe you can get through this. Oh no, lovely hard-done-by George Bailey just winked and said “attaboy, Clarence”. Permission to fall apart granted.
7. The beginning of Santa Claus the Movie.
Oh look, it’s a kindly old couple who make toys for children! Oh look, they’re going for a lovely sleigh ride! Oh my god, they are freezing to death in the North Pole. This is a children’s movie, for crying out loud. WAIT. It’s okay. They’re being transformed into Santa and Mrs Claus. Phew. Hang on, does that mean that Santa’s a zombie?
6. Elf: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.”
Not going to cry. Seen Elf before. I know how this works - Zooey Deschanel sings, the music swells, we’re meant to get all emotional, and OH MY GOD THEY’RE SINGING OH MY HEART. He does know when you are sleeping! He does know when you’re awake! Okay, fine, I fell for it.
5. The end of The Snowman.
Oh god, the Snowman’s dead. Directly after this scene, the credits roll. That probably means the little boy’s family’s dead, too. Perhaps my family’s dead. EVERYONE I KNOW IS DEAD. Thanks, Raymond Briggs.
4. Every syrupy second of this made-for-TV film.
“Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please / It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size / Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time / You see she’s been sick for quite a while / And I know these shoes would make her smile / And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.”
AND THAT’S JUST THE THEME SONG.
3. Miracle on 34th Street: Sammy.
Look at the deaf little girl’s face. She didn’t know that Santa was going to SPEAK TO HER IN SIGN LANGUAGE. Santa Claus is real, you guys. Zombie Santa Claus is real. Let’s all hug.
2. Love Actually: conflicting emotions throughout.
Why am I weeping at Andrew Lincoln stalking Keira Knightley? Why am I sobbing at Kris Marshall’s transatlantic sex adventures? Why am I blubbing when Bill Nighy calls Ant and Dec ‘Ant or Dec’? Maybe it’s because I’ve seen so many Christmas movies that I don’t know how to laugh anymore.
1. The Muppet Christmas Carol: “The love we found”.
Well, first there’s the …*sniff*… there’s the scene where Beaker …*sniff*… gives the newly-reformed Scrooge his scarf, and…
Then …*sob*… Scrooge brings a giant sob turkey round to Tiny Tim’s house, and then, finally ….
INCOHERENT HORMONAL WAILING