11 Bulletproof Ways To Get Through Diet Season

I don’t know who this ‘master’ is, but he can naff off with his ‘cleanse’.

Welp, here we are in January.

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It’s freezing, your trouser cuffs are permanently wet, you spent all your money over Christmas, and your jeans are too tight. But you can get through the month without buying a Thighmaster. You can.

1. Don’t fall for this.

Because the answer is no, not when your blood is 60% port and you’ve become used to a regular pre-lunch sherry. Aim for a moist January, and stick to your recommended weekly alcohol units instead.

2. Remember this stuff?

It’s pronounced ‘war-tur’. You might not recognise it because it didn’t come in a gift box with some speciality cheese, but try drinking a glass of it before and after every meal anyway.

3. Don’t choose liqueur chocolates as a breakfast item.

Or leftover advent calendar chocolate OR edible tree decorations. Try cereal instead. And talking of cereal…

4. Don’t fall for this, either.

Life’s too short to eat milky polystyrene twice a day in the hope of losing a ghost of an inch from your pelvic region.

5. Remember this stuff?

Sure you do! It’s what you used to eat between meals before all those mince pies arrived in the house! Give fruit another go. However…

6. Avoid anyone who uses the word ‘juice’ as a verb.

They’ll draw you in with their promises of glowing skin, then leave you with a £500 juicer that will turn 20lb of fruit into exactly 0.01 nanolitres of sickly green-grey sludge. Once.

7. Don’t fall for this.

Nice try, Pizza Hut, but I have no room for your cheese-stuffed crust. I’m still a stuffing-stuffed human from Christmas.

8. Don’t trust seasonal yoghurt adverts with their oblique guarantees to banish your ‘sluggishness’.

Nobody knows what probiotic yoghurts do.

Seriously, what is that meant to be? A tattoo?

9. Don’t fall for this.

Living on laxatives and a mixture of Cayenne pepper, lemons and maple syrup, huh? Let’s not meet.

10. In fact, run away from anyone who mentions any type of cleanse.

There’s a one in two chance they’ll include the word ‘colon’.

11. Remember these?

Remember vegetables? Try and have five helpings of fruits and vegetables a day. You don’t have to have them in a salad.

You can have them in a sausage casserole.

12. And the best part? Guess what counts as one of your five helpings of fruits and vegetables a day?

Hooray for diet season!

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