Ranking All 12 Star Trek Films!

12 Star Trek films have hit the big screen, some better than others! Open your mind and learn which ones are the best!

I'm a nerd. You know it, I know it, the kids in grade school who called me "Nintendo Boy" knew it (though maybe that wasn't shouted with admiration...). My nerdity has taken many forms, over the years. I've stayed up all night playing Final Fantasy VII, just to be crushed by the death of Aerith. I played in the inaugural 12-hour game of the Insane Risk League; the charter of which was signed on a paper plate. As a teen, I collected comics, was a founding member of PlayStation Underground, and competed in Magic tournaments. I once set up my living room with two TVs, so I could play video games and watch Buffy at the same time (with my Once More With Feeling poster watching over me). I'm even about to teach a class on Doctor Who!

Of course, my most noticeable nerdy addiction was with Star Wars. Lightsaber fights while working at the theater, a set of framed original trilogy posters hanging in each of my houses (though sadly ruined by water damage now), and 26-hours in line to buy tickets for Phantom Menace. Star Wars even crept into my academic life, with an ADS on the Star Wars Franchise and a panel on the Hero's Journey. Yep, it would seem I'm a huge Star Wars geek for sure!

But wait, why is this column about Trek if I'm just waxing nerdetic about other things? Because, Star Trek has always had a more internal and personal connection. Trek would occupy my mind, while Wars would occupy my body. Star Trek is the introvert to my Star Wars extrovert; each vying for attention. Star Trek showed me much more than adventures in space; it spoke about the values of a civilized society, how we should treat one another - no matter our differences, and what true friendship really means. I always think of Trek as the quieter of my obsessions, something you'd know I liked, but which you wouldn't think of as my nerd-of-choice.

Over the last couple of years, I've really brought my love of Star Trek to the surface of my life. My bachelor party started with a screening of the new Star Trek, followed by some laser tag...or phaser tag, if you will. Last summer, my wife and I went to Trek Fest, which is hosted in the future birthplace of James T. Kirk, to watch the parade and visit their Trek museum. And, just a few days ago, I threw on a Starfleet badge to go see Into Darkness...just because I could. Let the countdown begin!

Twelve films have been made based on the Star Trek franchise, spanning more than 30 years and 3 different crews (kinda). In my humble, nerdy opinion, here are how all 12 rank out!

12) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

This movie was just awful. The half-brother of Spock mind-fraks people into following his wacky belief that god lives just behind the great barrier reef of space. Um, what?! Turns out god is just a huge dick who likes to lightning bolt people and Shatner shouldn't be a director. At least we'll always have the famous Uhura fan-dance to remember.

11) Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Though it's only a little over 2 hours, this film makes you feel like you just lost a year of your life. It had so much potential - intriguing science, Kirk as an Admiral, and bringing the gang back together. Unfortunately, the story just chugged along and the ship still looked like it was from the 60s. TMP almost killed the series altogether, thankfully there were better days ahead.

10) Star Trek: Insurrection

While managing a video store, I came across a DVD of Insurrection which was labeled as broken. I cleaned it up and it worked just perfectly! However, the cover art was missing and I had to use a blank case. Instead of actually analyzing it, I'll just share the back-cover synopsis I wrote for it: "When Data goes nuts during a recon mission, the Enterprise discovers a plan to remove the inhabitants from their planet, in order for the Federation and a mysterious race to harvest the planet's amazing energy. Data learns to play, Picard falls in love, Riker and Troi get back together, and Warf goes through puberty, as crazy Starfleet hijinks and sci-fi action abound in the ninth installment of the Star Trek series." On a side note, I wasn't the best writer at age 18!

9) Star Trek: Nemesis

The last effort of the Next Generation crew had some potential. Tom Hardy, before he hit it big, takes over the Romulan empire and turns out to be a clone of Picard. A little odd, but okay. The worst part (besides cutting Wil Wheaton's scene) being the addition of another android brother for Data. B4, as he calls himself, is sort of...special. Why is this glorious prototype android stupid? In 1998 I had more interesting conversations with Chat-bots on AIM!

8) Star Trek: Generations

Think of it like a crossover between the two biggest captains in Trek. Shatner, trapped in a fantasy world, has to help Picard stop a crazed madman. Malcolm McDowell goes all Clockwork Orange on a few planets, just to live forever in his own personal heaven. Put this plot into ST:V, and it could have been awesome! But no, Kirk dies and Riker crashes the damn Enterprise!

7) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

The best of the curse of the odd-numbered ST movies. Spock’s dead body ends up on the Genesis planet and, naturally, regenerates (because how the frak could Trek go on without Spock?!). So, ya know, Kirk's son and a Vulcan lieutenant try to save the rapidly-aging Spock from an exploding planet. Except, Klingon Doc Brown shows up, kills Kirk's kid, and takes over the Enterprise. Prompting Kirk to kick some Klingons in the face and self-destruct his own ship! Don't worry, Spock was okay after they downloaded his memories from a schizophrenic Bones.

6) Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Captain, there be whales here! You can't really be a sci-fi series until you deal with time travel. A giant black space log sucks the life out of every ship and planet it gets close to, forcing the crew to use their boosted Bird of Prey to go back in time. If you don't know the proper technique to achieve time warp, go watch, I'll wait. The crew delightfully makes their way through the 90s to try and save the future. Double dumbass on you, Nuclear Wessels, Surprise!

5) Star Trek Into Darkness

Let's be clear from this point forward; the top 5 are all really, really, really close! I'm not going to spoiler the plot of the newest Trek film, but I thought this one was just excellent! You really start to see how this young crew comes to rely on each other and become friends. Go see it now!

4) Star Trek: First Contact

TNG really spent its warp core on this one! Much like ST:II (below), a major plot from the series makes its way into the film...THE BORG! We also get another taste of time travel, unfortunately with less 90s culture and attire than Voyage Home. The great thing here is that we get half the crew fighting borg in 24th century style, while the other half enjoys the "old days", repairing the first warp ship with the drunken pilot, Zefram Cochran. But, the big stand out of the film is the relationship between Data and the Borg Queen. Her super intelligent, crafty, sexy, and frightening demeanor almost makes you understand what Data goes through trying to be human on a daily basis.

3) Star Trek

J.J. Abrams is the man! In any world, did you ever think the first 5-minutes of a Star Trek film would make you cry?! I was amazed how well this group of actors easily slipped into these larger-than-life characters, yet also made each their own. By cleverly creating an alternate timeline, J.J. can tell the stories of the Enterprise in a new way, without pissing off the old guard. There's a lot of fun, a lot of action, and a lot of heart. DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

2) Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Not gonna lie. I go back and forth quite often on which is better: 6 or 2? Even after finishing this list, I may just change my mind anyway. Undiscovered Country is one of the only Trek films to truly deal with intergalactic politics. Wow, what a ridiculous sentence. Klingons, Romulans, Vulcans, and Humans are all bad guys AND they're all good guys, can you believe it?! Plus, the prototype Bird of Prey and the addition of Sulu running the Excelsior make for some exciting space battles. If you haven't watched it in a while, you should; and remember, that was not his knee!

1) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Wildly heralded as the best Trek film, Khan helps keep the franchise alive after TMP failed. Khan, living happily on Fantasy Island, goes after the Genesis experiment so he can use his psychotic intelligence to kill billions and get revenge on his arch-nemesis, Kirk. A few battles, some creepy space earwigs, and an underground utopia later, Khan blows himself up, just to take Kirk with him. My favorite piece of trivia from the making of the film, was the fact that Spock's death got leaked during production, sending fans into a craze. However, the filmmakers then wrote in the opening scene where the entire crew dies during a simulation, just to throw off everyone who heard the leak! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

What do you think? Agree with my choices? Think I'm an idiot? Wondering why you read this thing the whole way through? Let me know and feel free to discuss. Live long and prosper.