Baseball’s Ugly All Star Team

Henry Blanco: Catcher

We’ll start this off with a no brainer. Henry Blanco has been making teammates switch lockers for years. This guy is simply one of the ugliest humans to ever live. Source: a.espncdn.com

Shelley Duncan: 1st Base

One day in the near future, you are going to go on a beautiful family vacation somewhere up in the mountains. You will build a fire, roast marshmallows, and tell ghost stories. Then Shelley Duncan is going to rape your entire family. There is nothing you can do about this unfortunately. Sorry. Source: fangraphs.com

Miguel Cairo: 2nd Base

Seems fitting that this will be the last thing you see before you die. Source: a.espncdn.com

Eduardo Nunez: Shortstop

Have you noticed that every time you blink, this image remains in the back of your eyelids? Good luck getting that to stop. Source: a.espncdn.com

Placido Polanco: 3rd Base

Placido Polanco’s brain is clearly trying to escape from his skull. How is it humanly possible to function when you look like this? How does he move? How does he get out of bed? How does he reach the back of his head to scratch it? Source: a.espncdn.com

Corey Hart: Outfield

Have you ever woken up in a cold sweat, terrified from an already forgotten dream? Well, you have Corey Hart to thank for that. Look at that photo. That was not taken at a baseball game. That is just how Corey appears to most unsuspecting people. Stay vigilant. Source: a.espncdn.com

Jayson Werth: Outfield

Jayson Werth is actually a handsome guy. He is making this list due to sheer will power. His ugliness is his choice, not his curse. Do not pity him. Fear him. Source: a.espncdn.com

Raul Ibanez: Outfield

He Who Must Not Be Named. Only much, much worse. Harry dies instantly in this version. Source: a.espncdn.com

Bartolo Colon: Starting Pitcher

Despite the alarming number of overly qualified ugly starting pitchers, this one’s got to go to Bartolo Colon. Bartolo looks like Muammar Gaddafi…like right now…six months deceased. With his stem cell enhanced super arm, I think it is safe to say that in ten years (when he’s 400 lbs and still pitching) he will once again be the clear front runner for this honor. Source: a.espncdn.com

Mariano Rivera: Closer

Obviously being the greatest ever comes at a hefty price. Sorry, Mo. Source: a.espncdn.com

Ron Washington: Manager

Yep… Source: media.nola.com

Honorable Mention: Jorge Cantu

Cantu would have been an obvious choice for third base if he didn’t suck so badly that no team wanted him. Unfortunately, that is the case. He is currently a free agent and therefore, unqualified.

Honorable Mention: Freddie Freeman

This was a pretty close call for first base. Despite Freddie looking like Buzz McCallister from Home Alone, the overall terror exuded by Shelley Duncan ultimately prevailed. Maybe one day soon, Freeman can assume his place on the throne.