Here’s the 20-part Jonah Ryan guide to being a douchebag.
1. Display an attitude of superiority and an inflated sense of self at work.
2. Have a knack for using horrible pickup lines.
3. Simply refuse to accept the fact that people really just don’t like you.
4. Brag about your life credo (and where you have it tattooed).
Work hard, play hard, bitches.
8. Refrain from washing your hands after going to the bathroom in order to increase your chances of picking up a lady friend.
9. Hit on someone while that person is on a date, in front of that person’s date.
He’s not mentally ill, if that’s what you’re implying.
12. Rub your coworker’s impending doom in his or her face.
15. Drop inappropriate film references.
16. Get a little artful and disgusting when sizing up what needs to be done in a situation.
17. Get in touch with your visceral side.
“This is like being operated on by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw!”
19. Run a news blog while knowing nothing about journalism.
“OK, but we just, we put it out there. And then something will arrive that backs it up, right? That’s just Journalism 101.”