1. Grand Army of the Republic infantryman
After spending a good part of their life putting their life on the line, no one begrudges any soldier for cutting loose a little.
2. Abraham Lincoln
Honest Abe gamely pretends to play the ukelele, much to the delight of his wife whose sunlight aggravated migraine won’t let her leave her lounge chair for very long. Rest assured, she finds the normally taciturn President’s attempt at making her feel better sweet and he will be rewarded in due course. That’s what vacations are for.
3. Robert de La Salle
When you’re trying to settle a country, you’re bound to have a few mutinies. Just ask Robert Cavalier de La Salle who was on the receiving end of two. But in the end, it’s all good. He’s commemorated in stone and his mutineers are only famous for mutiny.
He’s celebrating his immortality with some libations, and most definitely won’t be pouring any out for his enemies.
4. Henry Ford
Henry Ford was an industrialist before the word became an epithet. Not only did he create an industry that changed the country, he built another company for his company to compete with. That’s the definition of industriousness.
Now the creator of 40 hour work weeks is enjoying some of his leisure time celebrating the country that let him become the man he is.
5. Orville L. Hubbard, Mayor of Dearborn, MI
Despite his faults, Orville Hubbard was known for Getting Things Done. His overt racism aside, he was known for efficiently running town services all the way down to garbage collection services that doubled as an alarm clock. And right now, he has efficiently won the hula hoop competition, and dares any and all comers to take his crown.
6. Harriet Tubman
During her many years operating under the cover of darkness as a conductor on the Underground Railroad, Harriet Tubman led nearly 300 slaves to freedom.
Now, if you’ll kindly excuse her, she’s going to spend some time in the sun conducting some well earned rest and relaxation.
7. Father Jacques Marquette
Once Father Jacques Marquette answered The Big Question (result: God), he set about answering more terrestrial questions. Like, is there a better way around the New World than just walking all over the place? Result: Yes.
Now he’s answering whether long walks on the beach are truly spectacular. Result: He’ll get back to you.
8. Alexander the Great
20 cities are named after Alexander the Great.
He earned “The Great” part of his name by never losing.
He even won the heart of the most beautiful woman in the world at the time.
Right now, he’s winning at relaxing.
9. Father Gabriel Richard
Father Gabriel Richard was raised as a man of words.
He lived life as a man of action.
And judging by his expression, is thoroughly enjoying being a man on vacation.
10. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Martin Luther King, Jr. marched numerous miles in leather-soled shoes for the equality of millions.
In the South.
In a suit.
You know who deserves a few days with his feet up?
11. Friedrich Schiller
Yes, that is a big book Schiller’s reading, but that’s how you master the principles of mind over mankind. Big thoughts that change how countries run and men live their lives don’t materialize out of thin air, they’re ground up and remixed into brilliance in the deep parts of your mind.
Oh, here comes his mojito smoothie, now his subconscious can go on vacay too.
12. Johannes Gutenberg
After spending decades as a blacksmith, goldsmith, and printer, all of which involve slaving away in intense heat in a small room centuries before the invention of air conditioning, Gutenberg started a global revolution. He made the word of God accessible to the common man, broke education free from the confines of ivory towers, and single-handedly enabled the creation of mass-market erotic fiction (ironically, the first erotic bestseller was written by a soon to be Pope Pius II).
And he did it in his spare time.
But there you sit in air conditioned splendor, playing video games and complaining about how hot it is outside.
13. Antoine de Cadillac
Some men make rules.
Others follow them.
A select few have never met a rule they couldn’t break.
Known for indulging his own ideas for how life should be lived, how countries should be run, and how to found cities (Detroit and New Orleans), Cadillac’s cavalier attitude towards following convention clearly guides his fashion decisions on vacation.
Yes ladies, the Universe has given you a doctor who looks like a Roman God.
And, Hippocrates will gladly rub sunscreen on that spot on your back you can’t reach without being all creepy about it. Because, as the father of modern medicine, no one knows more than he does about the importance of sunscreen.
Just look at him. And you thought that was marble skin.