1. The fans who just found out Mexico is playing five minutes before kickoff.
They’ll never be able to tell you the name of a single player on the team, except maybe Chicharito. They decided to skip to the end and just scream their heads off whenever Mexico scores a goal. They didn’t go through the horrifying moments of intense nail biting when Mexico almost didn’t make it to the World Cup (thanks U.S.A). These are the fans who fast forward a movie to the climax, without having to suffer like the rest of us.
2. The Chicharito Fan Club
Female fans love this man to DEATH. He’s got the looks, he’s suave, he plays for Manchester United, and he’s the face of the Mexican national team. Nevermind that Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez is struggling to carry the team. That doesn’t matter. To them, this man is an Adonis. He’s in the same hotness league as Cristiano Ronaldo and David Beckham. All Chicharito fans want is to see him move around and give them a wink every once in awhile. In those rare occasions when Chicharito does score a goal, well, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.
3. The “Jose Ramon Fernandez” Wannabes
They know the sport inside out. They know about the political climate that controls the Mexican national team. They’ll criticize absolutely everything about Mexico, starting with the lineup. They’ll tell you how poorly Miguel Herrera has handled the team, how Chicharito is overrated, and how terrible Mexico’s 5-3-2 formation is. They’ll tell you about what substitutions need to happen at half-time, and point out every one of Mexico’s weak spots. If something bad happens, it’s Televisa’s fault. If something good happens, it’s Televisa’s corruption. Whenever Mexico gets scored on, they’ll smirk, shake their head and say, “I told you so.”
4. The “Aztec Warrior” Fans
These fans look at the glass half full. They offer their unconditional support. They’ll paint their face red and green, put on an Aztec headdress, and bring an entire nation together. No matter how bad things get for El Tricolor, they’ll make sure morale doesn’t fall. They’ll start the iSI SE PUEDE! chant and get your blood pumping red and green. These fans know what’s up.
5. The “I’m just happy to be here” fans.
There are fans who are just… happy. They truly break the stereotype that ALL Mexicans are rabid about soccer. They’ll say things like, “Isn’t soccer such a beautiful game?” “Go Mexico, but if the other team wins, at least we got to see a good game.” “I love how soccer brings everyone together for a good time.” “Nil-nil? At least no one lost!” “I LOVE EVERYONE!” I’ll never understand them, but at least they’re optimistic. I personally like to see blood.
6. The fans who will jump ship the second things start looking grim.
iPINCHES TRAIDORES! We know who you are! You’ll start out rooting for Mexico in the beginning, but as the tournament drags on and you see the Tricolor about to get eliminated, you suddenly switch over to another team. You are the WORST. General rule of thumb in sports: Pick a team. Stay with the team. And if the ship goes down, you better damn well drown with it because THAT’S WHAT FANS DO (just ask Mets fans). So next time, if you switch teams when Mexico hasn’t been completely eliminated and root for a “better” team, stay gone. We don’t want you.
7. The fans who cry when Mexico gets eliminated from the World Cup.
You know it’s a fact of life. You know there can only be one winner. You know a loss will inevitably happen. But that doesn’t make it any easier. After all the hype (looking at you, Televisa), after all the suffering (CONCACAF qualifying matches, especially the one against Costa Rica), after feeling that rush of watching your identity represented on a global stage like the World Cup, it’s suddenly over too soon. No more iSI SE PUEDE! No more iVIVA MEXICO CABRONES! All there is, is a Cielito Lindo sing-along and the dreaded four year wait until the next World Cup. Not all fans cry, but for those who do, my heart goes out to you. WE GET YOU!