1. Whoa! It feels a bit chilly! ::puts on hoodie::
2. What do I feel like listening to today?
3. I could listen to 2Pac or I could listen to the Sunday in the Park with George Soundtrack. This is a hard choice.
4. Sunday in the Park with George it is!
5. Damn it! My left ear bud is out!
6. I need some new ear buds.
7. Oh, look! A drugstore!
8. They gotta have some headphones, right?
9. TO THE DRUGSTORE!
10. Oh. They’re locked in a glass case.
11. I’ll just push this handy-dandy button that says “CUSTOMER SERVICE” on it.
12. I guess I’ll just wait here.
Security Guard #1: “Excuse me, sir. Could I help you?”
ME: “Oh. I’m just waiting for someone to unlock this so I can buy some headphones.”
Security Guard #1: “Did you push the button?”
ME: “Yup. I did.”
::Security Guard #1 leaves::
::pushes button again::
Security Guard #2: “Excuse me, sir. Could I help you?”
ME: “Uhhh. Just waiting for someone to help me out. I just want to buy some headphones.”
Security Guard #2: “Did you push the button?”
::Security Guard #2 leaves::
14. Hmmm. That was weird.
15. OK. Where is this “customer service” person? I seriously need these headphones.
::approaches a cashier lady::
ME: “Hello. I want to buy some headphones.”
Cashier: “Push the button and someone will come to you.”
ME: “I pushed it but no one came.”
Cashier: “Push it again.”
::Both security guards now appear to “browse” through items that are conspicuously close to the headphone area::
16. Are these security guards shopping while on the job?
17. Maybe they’re looking for items to buy later?
18. Maybe they’re really interested in cheap alarm clocks?
::Security Guard #1 stares right at me::
19. For some reason, I don’t feel welcome here.
20. Is he… staring at me?
Security guard #1: “Son, you’ve been here for awhile now.”
21. Did this motherfucker just call me “son”?
ME: “Uh. I pushed the button. The cashier told me to wait here. So I’m waiting.”
Security Guard #2: “Are you giving us attitude?”
ME: “Nope. I just want to buy some headphones.”
Security Guard #1: “Do you mind opening your bag for us?”
ME: “Yup. I do mind.”
Security Guard #2: “Do you want us to call the cops?”
22. Cops? Why would he call the cops?!
ME: “I don’t see how calling the cops will help me buy some headphones.”
Security Guard #2: “Open your bag or we’ll be forced to call the cops.”
23. Is this really happening?
24. Are they serious?
25. Is this really fucking happening?
ME: “Dude. I’m just trying to buy some headphones.”
Security Guard #1: “Sir. Open your bag or we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”
::Drugstore associate finally arrives, opens the case, and hands me some headphones::
::Security Guards walking close behind::
28. Are they… following me?
ME: “Guys. I know where the cashier is.”
Security guard #2: “If you got nothing to hide, this shouldn’t be a problem.”
::pays for headphones::
29. I’m pissed.
30. I’m sad.
31. I’m shocked.
32. I’m confused.
33. I’m fuming.
34. I’m embarrassed.
35. I’m hurt.
36. I’m just…
37. Would this have happened to me if I were white?
- Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore is dropping out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He got 133 votes in New Hampshire.
- MLB issued its first-ever lifetime ban for performance enhancing drugs to New York Mets' Jenrry Mejia.
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz.