83 Thoughts A Chambelan Has At A Quinceañera

Quinceañera (n): The traditional coming-of-age celebration for a 15-year-old Latina. Chambelan (n): Usher aka the worst job in the world.

After weeks of dance rehearsals, the Quinceañera’s big day has arrived. Your job as a chambelan is to put on a big smile, look handsome and not fuck it up.

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1. It’s 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Why did I agree to be part of this?
2. Can I just go sleep until it’s time to go to church?
3. I don’t want to do this.
4. Seriously, I don’t want to do this! I just want to go to sleep.
5. Fine, I’ll wake up!
6. Five more minutes…
7. Ten more minutes…
8. *phone call from Quinceañera’s family saying they’re waiting for you outside.
9. OH SHIT!

Trying on your chambelan outfit, chosen specifically by the Quinceañera. You have no say in the matter.

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10. This is the most uncomfortable outfit in the world.
11. Wait, pants are supposed to go around your belly button? That’s new to me.
12. I feel like a robot.
13. I can’t move very well in this.
14. Why can’t I wear regular street clothes?
15. These shoes are one size too small.
16. My crotch feels weird.
17. I don’t know how to put on a tie.
18. Why did I agree to do this?

Riding inside of a limo, probably for the first time in your life.

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19. AWWWWWWWWW YEAH. HUMMER LIMO!
20: *Watches awkwardly as the Quinceañera struggles to get into the limo with her unnecessarily giant dress.

21. Hmmm….
22. AWWWWWW SHIT! FREE SODA!
23. Oh, it’s not free?
24. Let’s turn on the radio!
25. Oh, we can’t turn on the radio?
26. Look! You can change the color of the lights in the limo!
27. Oh, we’re not allowed to change the color of the lights?
28. WHY IS THE LIMO DRIVER BEING SUCH A DICK!?

Quinceañera mass, where a priest holds a ceremony exclusively for the Quinceañera, her family and friends.

Facebook: quinceaneraspr

29. Why does a Quinceañera have to go to church?
30. It’s not like she’s getting married.
31. They’re paying the priest $300?!
32. Apparently, God’s messenger expects to be paid overtime…
33. When will this be over?
34. Would it be rude to pull out my phone?
35. *pulls out phone.
36. *gets pinched by family member.
37. I’m hungry.
38. *recites Our Father lazily in Spanish.
39. It’s getting a little hot in here.
40. OK, it’s getting REALLY hot in here.
41. Why did I agree to do this?

42. Oh, look! There’s… water…
43. Why are there so many limos parked on the street?
44. Why are there so many chambelanes here?
45. Why are there so many Quinceañeras here?
46. Why are there so many photographers here?
47. Oh, we’re not the only ones celebrating a Quinceañera today?
48. I guess there aren’t that many parks with water sources.
49. I don’t think any of the dudes are happy to be here.
50. I can’t possibly be the only one.
51. What’s so special about taking a picture in front of water?
52. Years from now, these photos will be stored in a box somewhere, never to see the light of day.
53. *takes photo with Quinceañera in front of water with stoic face.
54. What would happen if we DIDN’T take a photo in front of water? Would it ruin everything?
55. Why can’t we just take a group selfie and call it a day?
56. I’m really hungry.

Arriving at the reception hall:

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57. Where’s the food?

The first waltz, generally set to Chayanne’s Tiempo de Valz.

58. And a 1, 2, 3… and a 1, 2, 3… and a 1, 2, 3…
59. Don’t… fuck… it… up….

The second waltz, or the waltz where for some reason, you have to lift the Quinceañera.

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60. Oh shit, we didn’t practice this with her dress on.
61. We should’ve practiced this a little more.
62. Don’t drop her. Don’t drop her. Don’t drop her.
63. This could ruin everything.
64. *lifts Quinceañera while on chair.
65. Oh shit…
66. Oh shit…
67. Oh shit…
68. Oh shit…

69. Phew!

And finally, the father/daughter waltz.

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70. Awwwwwwwwwww.

The brother/sister waltz.

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71. Aww.

The tios and tias waltz.

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72. Hm.

The padrinos and madrinas waltz.

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73. …

The “family members you didn’t even know existed” waltz.

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74. …
75. This.
76. Is.
77. Taking.
78. For.
79. Ever.

iBAILE SORPRESA! A dance where everyone lets loose and wears something a little more informal. Generally set to bad bachata music or Pitbull:

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80. I.
81. FUCKING.
82. HATE.
83. PITBULL.

Being a chambelan is not the greatest job in the world. But as long as the Quinceañera is happy…

Mun2

THAT’S ALL

Mun2

MATTERS.

Mun2

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