So we all remember The Wonder Years, right?
A masterpiece of a TV show that told the coming-of-age story of Kevin Arnold (played by a brilliant Fred Savage) and his experiences growing up in the late ’60s and early ’70s. If you do not know anything about this TV show, you should feel ashamed and Netflix it IMMEDIATELY.
In the show, Kevin had an older brother. This guy:
Wayne Arnold (played masterfully by Jason Hervey) had a combative personality often clashed with Kevin’s more eccentric ways. They had a typical sibling relationship that all of America found relatable. There’s just one thing…
WAYNE ARNOLD WAS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT TO EVER COME ACROSS A TELEVISION SCREEN.
And here’s why:
1. Wanye’s incredible jackassery was especially awful throughout Season 3, when he blatantly embarrasses his brother Kevin in front of his crush.
When picking up Kevin from the mall, Wayne does that thing older brothers do where they say, “Get in!” and then drive off as soon as you touch the door. It’s one thing to do it in the privacy of your own driveway. It’s another to do it in front of your school crush. Older brothers are supposed to be wingmen, not assholes. Wayne is an asshole.
2. We never see Kevin enter the car, so for all we know, Kevin had to run home.
Because Wayne is a dick.
3. And he STILL has the audacity to justify his douchiness.
HE’S YOUR BROTHER YOU DICK.
4. He’s an inconsiderate asshole who doesn’t give two shits if the bathroom is occupied.
This deserves a kick in the balls, or at least a swipe at that blonde mane of his.
5. This 16-year-old scumbucket does not have a sense of personal space or PDA etiquette.
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER IS RIGHT THERE, WAYNE.
6. It’s not even 7:00 A.M. and this pimple face is already poisoning the Arnold household with his annoying personality.
Is there a time this guy isn’t a tool?
7. When Kevin got a pimple, he went to Wayne to see if he could use his pimple cream. But Wayne pretty much told him to go fuck himself.
8. After Kevin finally gets a date with his crush, Wayne agrees, in front of their parents, to drop off Kevin at the mall.
But he doesn’t, because Wayne is a backstabbing Judas who couldn’t care less about his own flesh and blood.
9. So what does Wayne do? Wayne goes bezerk and drives around dangerously, in an effort to scare the shit out of his little brother.
Who does this?! Seriously! Wayne! YOU SHIT!
10. But Wayne, too busy laughing at his own brother’s misery, doesn’t see there’s a broken down car in front of him and crashes into a cornfield.
11. That’s right. Wayne almost killed his own brother because of his unbelievable douchebaggery.
Wayne = Prick.
12. But after the car came to a halt, for the first time ever, we see Wayne show a hint of compassion toward his little brother.
Oh. So Wayne isn’t a soulless piece of trash…
13. And for a brief moment, we see Wayne and Kevin enjoy a genuine moment of laughter.
Wayne was probably happy that he acquired a new outlook on life, learning that he should cherish his family while he’s still on this earth. He probably learned a valuable lesson about being an older brother, how he should look after his younger sibling and not torment him half to death. Way to go, Wayne. You might not be so bad after all…
14. But, no. Because the next day, we see this:
Wayne didn’t learn shit. He is shit. He’s not only the worst brother in television history, but he’s an example of how low humanity can get. He has no self-respect or respect for his family and he is a soulless piece of garbage.
Wait, no. Garbage isn’t the word I’m looking for. Wayne is ultimately a…
Lesson: If you’re an older brother, don’t be a butthead.