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34 Things About Video Games Kids Today Will Never Experience

So. Much. Cartridge blowing.

1. The royalty of gold cartridges.

Only a game like The Legend of Zelda could come in gold.

2. Controllers that connected to a console WITH A CABLE.

Panic always struck when someone had to walk over these cables.

3. The harsh reality of pirated cartridges.

52 games in one cartridge? WHAT IS THIS?! MAGIC?! Oh wait– no. Just a really shitty game. :(

4. Leaving your game on pause overnight because the “save” feature did not yet exist.

“MOM! DON’T TURN IT OFF! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF – NOOOOOOO!”

5. And when they did exist, you had to remember these ridiculous passwords.

Ain’t. Nobody. Got. Time. For. Dat.

6. One-life video games.

Bandai

That’s all you had. ONE LIFE. I hate you Double Dragon III.

7. Having to be a surgeon to make cartridges work.

 

SOMEBODY GET ME A Q-TIP AND SOME RUBBING ALCOHOL! STAT!

8. Arcade machines in 7-Elevens.

I just came here for a Gatorade and some – IS THAT A GHOULS ‘N GHOSTS ARCADE MACHINE?!?!

9. Blisters on your fingers from playing Street Fighter using a D-Pad.

The original battle scars.

10. The unbelievable incompetence of R.O.B. the Robot, Nintendo’s factory-made player two.

You had one job, R.O.B. And you failed.

11. The power of the POWER PAD.

Yeah! BODY POWER!

12. THE POWER GLOVE.

Nintendo

No, really. It was horrible. That shit didn’t work.

13. Watching Captain N: The Game Master on Saturday mornings.

Nintendo

To this day, I still want that Nintendo controller belt.

14. Beating Contra in one sitting WITHOUT the Konami code.

Konami

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A– FUCK THAT! I GOT THIS!

15. The joy of finding easter eggs in video games on your own.

No internet. Repeat: NO INTERNET.

16. But you could always get help from this handy dandy thing called Nintendo Power.

Five-year-old me: Mom, can I have a Nintendo Power?
Mom: Sure. As soon as you get a job, you can have all the Nintendo Power you want.
:(

17. But if you really needed to know those secrets right then and there, there was always the POWER LINE!

Five-year-old me: Mom? Can I call the Nintendo Power Line?
Mom: Sure, as soon as you start paying rent in this house, you can call whoever you want.
:(

18. Keypads on controllers.

Atari really wanted to make this a thing.

19. Having to buy this device when your skill level had reached its peak and you REALLY needed help.

20. This ultimate ’90s rivalry between Mario and Sonic.

Nintendo

SEGA

 

Sonic ALL. THE. WAY.

21. This terrible catchphrase used during the console wars of the ’90s.

Shots fired.

22. The mind-blowing innovation of Sega’s “Lock-On” technology.

“You mean you can… CONNECT CARTRIDGES?!”

23. Terrible Japanese to English translations.

24. This atrocious movie-adapted video game.

LJN

Seriously. This is flat out awful.

25. For that matter, ANY video game made by this now infamous company.

R.I.P LJN. You ruined childhoods.

26. THE NINTENDO VIRTUAL BOY.

 

Eye damage and neck stiffness brought to you by Nintendo.

27. The thrill that was Sega’s “blast processing” technology.

It wasn’t real. It was a marketing ploy. DAMN YOU, SEGA!

28. Playing video games just to listen to their sweet 8-bit soundtracks.

“The Moon” is the greatest musical score in gaming history. END OF DISCUSSION.

29. Horrible “Americanized” video game covers.

Mega Man… what have they done to you?

30. The sick pleasure of performing a fatality on Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis.

Warner Interactive

You could get it done by trial and error OR you could ask a friend who owned a strategy guide. But it was glorious…

31. This brilliant add-on accessory for the Game Boy.

“I look like an asshole carrying around this thing.”

32. Having to invest in actual batteries.

So. Many. Batteries.

33. Nintendo’s catalogue of “see-through” products.

 

So ’90s.

34. And finally, BLOWING INTO CARTRIDGES!

It never actually did anything. It actually made it worse.

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