1. The dirty, judgmental looks that pierce through your soul as you walk into a room full of people who are on time.
Why are you guys so mad at me? I just got here.
2. Trying to sneak into class without having the teacher notice was damn near impossible.
Worst room design EVER.
3. Getting called out by your middle school teacher for being late, and making an example out of you in front of the class.
4. Or when teachers locked up the doors five minutes after the class already started.
You feel the shame burn a hole in your heart.
5. Coming up with a new excuse every day to explain your habitual tardiness.
Because your dog can only die so many times.
6. People’s failure to understand why you’re late.
“DO YOU PREFER I NOT BE HERE! Gosh…”
7. When people say, “IF YOU KNEW YOU HAD TO BE HERE AT 3:00, WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE EARLIER?!”
The important thing is I arrived. So there…
8. And, when you actually leave earlier, something ridiculous happens that makes you arrive late anyway.
“I’M NOT JOKING.”
9. When you arrive late, and people point at their wrists like they have a wrist watch or something.
Yes, I get it. YOU’RE A FUCKING MIME.
10. When people try lecturing you about your time management skills.
Them: “See, I like to set up two alarm clocks, and I put them as far away from my bed as possible.”
11. When you go to a party and people don’t understand the concept of being fashionably late.
If you say a party is at 7, it’s only reasonable to think that the party won’t get going until 10. Duh!
12. When your microwave clock shuts down for some reason, therefore you can’t tell what time it is, therefore you’re going to be late.
Technology sucks balls.
13. When you arrive out of breath and sweaty to a date.
Date: “You’re 10 minutes late.”
Me: “I pulled a muscle for you. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.”
14. When people keep texting you, “Hey, where are you?”
Well, I’m clearly not there, so…
15. When people keep texting you “ETA?”
Me: “IGTWIGT” or “I’ll get there when I get there.”
16. When a movie theater decides to play a movie on time.
You had one job, trailers. ONE JOB.
18. When you think you’re going to make it on time, but your train stops for no reason whatsoever.
Conductor: “Uhhh… we’re gonna be here for awhile… hang tight, folks.”
Me: *BREAKS WINDOW*
19. When express trains suddenly turn local.
The universe is telling me I probably need a car.
20. When you underestimate the horror of rush-hour traffic.
“Oh, it’s downtown. I can get there in eight minutes.” —famous last words on a Friday night
21. When people use -ish when setting up a time to meet (e.g. “Let’s meet at 8ish”).
If you say 8, late people will get there 10 to 15 minutes late. If you say 8ish, this gives us late people an excuse to take our time and arrive WHENEVER. THE. FUCK. WE. WANT.
22. When you truly believe that you can get there in five minutes.
“It’s 9:55… I have to be there at 10:00… Yes… Yes, I can get from East L.A. to the beach in five minutes. I’ll just need to drive like a speeding bullet.”
But the truth is, you won’t get there in five minutes. You will never get there in five minutes.
Because deep down inside, deep within your heart, you are who you are: a late person.
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