117 Thoughts Men Who Run On A Treadmill Would Understand

Cardio, bro.

1. 7:00 a.m.
2. Alright. LET’S DO THIS!
3. ::plays “Hearts on Fire” from the Rocky IV soundtrack::
4. ::pushes “Quick Start”::
5. ::increases speed to 6.5::
6. I feel awesome.
7. I can do this everyday.
8. Running 30 minutes like this is no big deal.
9. I’ll be shedding weight in no time.
10. I’ll be able to wear a proper suit without feeling like a robot.
11. I’ll be able to go to the beach and ACTUALLY take off my shirt.
12. I can already see myself coming out of the water like James Bond.

13. This feels friggin’ great.
14. Can I bump up the speed?
15. HELL YES!
16. ::increases speed to 7.0::
17. I can feel my legs getting stronger.
18. I always measure my work outs by how sweaty my shirt gets.
19. I can feel the sweat dripping down the side of my forehead.
20 It’s working.
21. I’m going to lose like 1000 pounds.
22. I’m gonna grow a six pack.
23. I’m gonna look like a goddamn beast!
24. I will wake up everyday at 6:30 in the morning and run my ass off.
25. People will be like, “Hey, have you been working out?”
26. And I’ll be like, “Yeah. It’s whatever.”

27. I have to watch what I eat.
28. Nutrition is important.
29. No more junk food.
30. No more sugar.
31. No more gluten.
32. No more shit that will pollute my body.
33. My body is a temple.
34. Only eat to nourish yourself.
35. Don’t eat for the sake of eating.
36. Maybe I should switch from coffee to tea.
37. I need to drink more water.
38. No more soda.
39. No more juice.
40. No more unnecessary calories.
41. I’m going cold turkey on all the junk.
42. No more beer.
43. Salads.

44. CAN I BUMP THIS UP?
45. YOU DAMN RIGHT!
46. ::increases speed to 7.5::
47. NOW THIS FEELS LIKE A WORK OUT.
48. I THINK I’M FEELING THE BURN!
49. I’m pretty sure this is the burn.
50. I need to add other forms of exercise to my routine.
51. I need to lift weights.
52. I need to do sit ups.
53. I need to do steps.
54. 10,000 STEPS!
55. I’m going to swim and do like 30 or 40 laps.
56. It’ll help accentuate my dormant muscles.
57. I need to be more flexible.
58. I need to do yoga.
59. Girls like yoga.

60. I wonder how Rocky managed to train properly in Russia?
61. How did he not strain his back or get a cold?
62. Working out in the snow seems like a difficult task.
63. Especially when the KGB is looking after you.
64. I wish I could run up a snowy Russian mountain and scream, “DRAGO!!!”
65. Add to bucket list: Run up a snowy Russian mountain and scream, “DRAGO!!!”
66. Speaking of mountains.
67. ::increases incline to 1.5::
68. My thighs are burning up!
69. FEEL THE PAIN!
70. PAIN!
71. This actually hurts a little…

72. ::breathes in through nose and out through mouth::
73. ::sweat circle forms around collar::
74. Keep going.
75. Keep going.
76. Keep going.
77. My lungs feel sore.
78. My thighs are feeling a little weak.
79. Will I get a second wave?
80. YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I WILL!!!
81. ::increases speed to 8.0::
82. POWER
83. SPEED
84. FAT
85. BURNING
86. I CAN FEEL IT!!
87. FEEEEL THE BUUUUURRRRN!!!
88. Now I’m feeling tired.
89. When should I stop?
90. Should I stop?
91. NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
92. I should stop-
93. SUPER SAIYAN!!!!
94. I should really stop…
95. Think of a happy place…
96. I’m too tired to think-
97. THINK OF A HAPPY PLACE!!!

98. ::increases speed to 8.5::
99. AHHHHHHHH!!!!
100. SHIT!
101. SPEEEEEEEEED!!!
102. COME OOOOOON!!!!
103. BODY…
104. GETTING…
105. BETTER…
106. LOOKING!!!!
107. CAN’T…
108. STOP…
109. WONT…
110. STOP…

111. ::pushes emergency stop button::
112. ::breathes uncontrollably::
113. ::wheezes::
114. NO PAIN…
115. NO PAIN…
116. That was a good fucking work out.

117: 7:02 a.m.

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