11 Thoughts We All Have During A Breast Exam

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1. So, will the nurse judge me if I don't fold my clothes?

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I REALLY don't want to. Nice pile, OK? Like, really nice.

2. This just looks like a weird thin blanket with strings.

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And like, why so many strings to close this thing up, but so many peeping holes?

3. OK, so, can you please stop asking me if I have gone on any good dates recently?

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You're basically just asking who was the last person to touch these two.

4. How does one look graceful while they wait in a paper gown?

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Impossible.

5. Why did I buy all of those vegetables from the farmers' market?

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I do NOT need 20 heirloom tomatoes.

6. YOW! Cold hands! Cold hands!

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AH!

7. Since you are touching my boobs, can I ask you what your first name is?

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You definitely look like a Helen.

8. Do people really do this to themselves in the shower?

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Like... this twinkle fingers maneuver? Spirit fingers?

9. Quadrants? My breasts have quadrants?

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Covering a lot of surface area, eh? (Wink.)

10. Did I put deodorant on?

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Whatever, they're a doctor! B.O.? Pshhh

11. Most importantly though, can you tell me if the right is bigger than the left?

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Sorry! Am I crazy? Listen, be honest, doc.

It's over – now go hunt for your socks. Ladies, make sure to get checked on the regular to help save the girls!