17 Things Every British Person Needs To Know About John Mayer

It recently came to my attention that the vast majority of Brits are unaware of John Mayer. Well to borrow a line from the great Jay-Z, y’all gon’ learn today.

1. First and foremost, he is legitimately talented, AKA insta-ladyboner!

Give Johnny boy his guitar and a mic, and the panties practically drop themselves. He’s got the hardcore fans, platinum albums and Grammys to prove it.

2. He’s also SEXY AS $&*#.

Look at that body and those tattoos. Don’t even pretend you wouldn’t want to be in that bed.

3. He’s dated some gorgeous girls—like Katy Perry…

And her girls, too.

4. And Jennifer Aniston!

She is America’s Sweetheart.

5. Even Jessica Simpson. But

This one didn’t have a happy ending.

6. When they broke up, he told Rolling Stone she was “crazy” in bed—like “sexual napalm.”

He eventually apologized, but holy TMI, dude.

7. In the same interview, he used the N-word, adding, “My d—k is sort of like a white supremacist.”

“I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y,” he explained. “And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag.”

8. He also made some very off-color jokes (?) on Twitter…

No means no, even when you’re John Clayton Mayer.

9. But he felt it was important to keep the fans updated about his manhood.

Oh thank heavens.

10. Ultimately, though, he decided he just needed more than 140 characters to express himself.

He prefers to chronicle his deeper life musings on his tumblr, ONE FORTY PLUS. He eventually returned to tweeting (his team, at least), because—Hellooo! Self promotion.

11. The ladies, of course, will always love him (Source: Twitter, Life).

John Mayer you are a douche but who cares bc you’re so damn sexy and can play the guitar like nobody’s biznass— Caroline Jordan (@ckjordan9) July 3, 2013

@JohnMayer I’m here for you bby I love you it’s going to be okay I know you aren’t a heartbreaker like they say 😘— Dear Princess✨ (@xo_dearprincess) July 3, 2013

All I want to do is to meet John Mayer, marry John Mayer, and have little John Mayer babies. That is all.— Cameron (@BurkettCameron) July 3, 2013

12. Even the famous ones—like Taylor Swift.

These two collaborated on “Half of My Heart,” a so-so track from John’s 2009 album Battle Studies.

13. They dated briefly before breaking it off. Things didn’t end well.

To be fair, they both have a history of rocky relationships.

14. Naturally, Taylor wrote a song called “Dear John” on her next album, wishing she’d learned from his past.

She includes this pretty telling lyric: “And I’ll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can.”

15. Three years later, John got his revenge on T.Swift with “Paper Doll.”

And the song included some clever cuts, referencing the country-pop singer’s album Red, peppy single “22” and firing back that “none of them know what they’re runnin’ from.”

16. He’s definitely aired some dirty laundry in public and said some controversial comments, but he’s human.

Celebs whose appeal didn’t make it across the pond: They’re just like us.

17. And despite some moments of acting like a complete wanker, his music always draws us back in.

Because his songs are perfect for cuddling…

Getting through the “woe is me” moments…

And embracing the feeling of finally meeting your match.

He might not be cool enough for Yeezy…

But after a decade of disinterest, it’s time for the Brits to reconsider John Mayer.

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