Laz's GOT Recap - Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Obligatory mention of how long the GOT intro is? It's super friggan long........CHECK.........do I have my beer?........check.........unnecessary reminder/recap of what happened last week? (I mean we all either watched or read my last recap let's get real here Thrones)........CHECKKKKK Game time, let's do this.

Braavos - Arya - House of Black & White

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Arya cleaning more dead guys in the assassin morgue? They got her on some Mr. Miagi-Daniel-san isht but I guess that's just how they do it in the house of B&W.

Handling dead bodies has gotta be weird dude, but she seeeeeems to be......getting the hang of it? (is that the right way to phrase it?) She seems more comfortable, or as comfortable as one can get giving a bath to a bloated dead guy. "Arya the Mortician?" Ehhhh I still like Arya the Assasin - much more badass and fitting for homegirl.

Oh this creepy chick again? What do you want? Can't you see AtA is busy cleaning bodies?

Girls REALLY love 21 questions huh? This is like the morbid version.......okay this chick really creeps me out - Arya lookin like "dafuq kinda game is this?"

Theme of the night: "Who are you?" - So deep and philisophical Mr faceless aka Jaqen H'ghar (see below song.......too fitting not to post)

BIGDICKQUOTEOFTHENIGHT: "We never stop playing" (giving Arya the "bitch dont make me slap you again!) #Harsh

But really......who are you? whoa......so personal

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WHOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU........ARYA?

Tyrion and Jorah go to Mereen

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If ever there were conflicting personalities it's these two, seems like they don't have anything at all in common (a little GOT foreshadowing of future bonding perhaps?)

"We are traveling together in each other's company, therefore....." (objection sustained! good point counselor Lannister you are technically traveling companions).

AND NOW SHIT GETS REAL.

Jorah lookin at Tyrion with puppy dog eyes like "My pops is dead too?"

The fathers of these two haven't turned out so well:

Tywin gets crossbowed while taking a dump, TWICE by his own son, and Commander Mormont gets the Crow version of that at the wall and is murder during a mutiny. (Check Bonus pic at the end for JS getting revenge for Commander Mormont's murder).

Wel well well fellas, looks like you have more in common than you think huh? They'll be bestbudz by the time they stand in front of the Mother of Dragons mark my words. #Prediction #ButNotReally #KindaObvious #CaptainObvious

Faceless Man

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So People come to the house of B&W to die? Arya totally tricking that girl into the GOT version of assisted suicide feeding her that poisonous water........she's totally getting the hang of this killing other people thing #AtA

She hands that cup to that sick girl without a flicker of remorse - "Damn Arya, are you from up North? Cause that was cold girl......Ice Cold. You and that Frozen girl would get along....

Arya (or should I call her my her newly appointed moniker "No-One?" Too soon? okay Arya it is) being shown a ton of faces, whoa holy shit that's a lot of heads. Pretttttty creepy, but she looks like a little kid in a candy shop - note: little girls should not get that excited at seeing dead corpse heads.......just sayin.

This is nuts. Shit mannnn I don't think she's ready either! You better be careful with Arya, we're running low on starks here GOT....

What have you gotten yourself into now Tyrion?

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A religious debate for Jorah and Tyrion? Interesting and unexpected.

Tyrion really has a way of putting things into perspective with his questioning Danny's calim to the Iron Throne (I mean he's right, what just cause her ancestors came and conquered with dragons that gives her the right to rule a place she's never been? I mean don't get me wrong I'm all for Danny ruling Westeros, just that Tyrion is always thinking - he's the GOT lawyer on the show for sure - logical and practical.)

OHSHIT. That's a lot of pirates - J&T are bout to have a (as Stone Cold Steve Austin would say) big ol can of Whoop Ass opened up on them. (See Bonus STSA picture at the end).

SidenoteL That's the dude from The Mummy Returns & Lost.

GOT really likes threatening Tyrions life.....and I suppose cutting off dicks - thafuck? Stop teasing us GOT, I do not like this.

Andddddd Tyrion in full swing lawyer mode, brokering a deal - I dig it. If nothing else, you have to respect Tyrions unwavering persistence to survive by any and all means necessary.

Looking forward to Jorah fighting in the pits, that'll be tight.

Baelish vs Cersei........FIGHT!

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In our opening bout, we have Petyr Baelish vs Recently turned religious fantatic Lancel Lannister.

Baelish's knockout punch "we both peddle fantasies, ming just happen to be entertaining" - love his sharp wit and intelligence - Petry is a natural born hustler.

NOWWWWW FORRRR THE MAIN EVENTTTTTTT IN THE RED CORNER.....

Incest, brother-loving, queen mother (title of no meaning/power) Cersei Lannister! (Boos from the crowd)

ANDDDDD IN THE BLUE CORNER......

Pimp, back stabbing, professional con-man Petyr Baelish

I want a good clean fig......oh wait.....theyre both scumbags.......proceed to fight dirty and use words as weapons guys!

"One's choice of companion is a curious thing" - nice subtle brotherlover reference Petyr.

Cersei like "did you really just say that.......to me?!?!"

Sidenote: Cersei is kind of sexy when angry? Am I along on that thought? Prob not......still hate her guts

Cersei jabs back with an insult to sickly Robin and Petyr's dead wife (whom he killed) SWING AND A MISS CERSEI - Baelish not even fazed.

Confessing Sansa is alive? Let's see how this plays out.....ahhhh he wants to be Warde of the North - Petey always has a long con going. #PeteythePimp

Dorne - where sex and war go hand in hand

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Tristan and Myrcella sitting ina tree........K I S S.......but really they're just walking around right now.

Spacey thought: are the water gardens like Dorne's version of a water park? OH SHIT - is that where they got the name Dorney Park?!?!?1 #MindBlown

Tristan Martell: my 1st impression - dude think he's a smooth operator, in my opinion his game is B+ at best.

Doran and scary Big Black Bodyguard with an Axe (Areo Hotah) reminds me of The Godfather like Areo is the consigliere to Don Doran.

Dorne part 2 - Jamie and Bronn making a case for best travelign buddies (I'm still giving the title to Jorah & Tyrion)

1st step - get into the water gardens

2nd step - .......Jamie basically admitting he has no fkin idea how to get myrcella outta there

Bronn, per usual, wittily as all hell: "That explains why you're missin ga hand you dipshit"

BITCHSLAPPPPPP - Tristan getting slapped by Bronn making him look like a boy. Bro you can't just let him slap you like that in front of your lady? Where's your balls man?

Jamie's approach was pretty whack, yeah sure just let the boy see your face - you're only the most recognizable face in all of Westeros DERPPPPP

Anyone else get a really creepy wicken/witch/coven/Salem vibe from the Sand Snakes when they all said the title "Unbowed, Unbent, & Unbroken" together? I did.

FIGHT OF THE NIGHT: Sand Snakes vs Bronn n Jamies - YES.

Jamie, surprisingly holding his own.......wonder if anyone will bite the dust in this bout? Hmmm.......

OHSNAP - BIGBLACK trying to break up this party. "Arrest these women!.......oh and Jamie Lannister too why not?"

Love Bronn throwing in one last piece of trash talk "You fight pretty good.....for a girl" love the shittalking Bronn youdaman

Granny Highgarden aka Olenna Tyrell!

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The Tart tongued queens of thorns vs the Tudey incest queen Cersei

QMC (Queen Mother Cersei) tryin to brush off the old lady who btwwww poisoned JOffrey! (though Cerse doesn't know that - but was kidna hoping Granny would throw that in her face like "fuck you btich I poisined your eldest boyking!")

Self righteous religious guys putting loras on trial? I don't like gay witch hunts, no thanks.

Religious court is scary.

Septon calling Marge to the stand? Hmmm this smells of Cersei plotting - she set this whole trial up to get Queen Margaery in trouble - touche QMC, touche.

The guy prost seems to be the one to admit loras does like boys.....uh ohhhhh

Ohhhh look at that evil grin on Cersei's face #PureEvil

High Septon = Cersei's newest henchmen to do her dirty work.

Whoa. did one of Cersei's plans actually work out? Ehhh at least in the short term, she's too dull to actually have thought this through......we'll see how it plays out.

Oh god......another wedding? I'm not ready for this.....

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Creepy sociopathic gf of Ramsey giving Sansa a bath? I don't like this. Stop touchign the heri of Winterfell right now!

Sansa like "watchu talking bout hunt?"

Slampiece MIranda like "don't dissappoint Ramsey or he'll murk your ass"

Sansa seeing right through her "bitch you don't scare me, I'm Sansa motherfucking Stark, this is my home and YOU DON'T SCARE ME......." translation: back the fuck off or I'll crush you.

Sansa finished that bout strong, she takes the W for that one (lots of fights both verbal and physical tonight I fkin dig it).

Can't believe Sans is marrying Ramsey "cuts off dicks" Bolton (tho Snow is more appropriate cause he is a real bastard).

Weddings in snowfall look really cool.

Sansa has the biggest pair of balls in the north for going through with this. OHman she's gotta bang him? Ugh gross.

Hell yeah shes still a virgin! Sansa don't put out! But she's starting to see just how fkin nutso Ramsey is.

Theon is gonna watch. This is so fucked up. The music makes is so much worse.

Heartbreaking: Sansa's face. Wow. This is so wrong.

For Reek, who has seen and experience some truly horrific shit, to be weepign like that? Ramsey must really be workign Sansa over good. #Disgusted #TheNorthRemembers #ButCanTheNorthHurryUpWithGettingRevengeAlready? Damn.

Thanks for that pit in my stomach GOT, sweet dreams for me tn right? NOPE. Not ever falling asleep. Sonofabeetch that was a dark ending.

Ramsey needs to GET GOT SON. #Truth

Next week looks interesting - so many threads - Tdawg Father Slayer Lannister looking scared, some misson at the wall? Stannis stuf (yawn) Winterfell is a walking nightmare andddd the High Septon looking like a boss.

That's all I got for ya folks.....except for the two bonus pics.

LAZ OUT

BONUS PIC: Jon Snow is a baddddd man!

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Such a great shot.........F that dude, this was a real turning point for JS learning that fighting dirty is part of survivin - even if it means stabbing a guy through the back of his skull.

A Big Ol Can of Whoop Ass!

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Love me some Stone Cold Steve Austin (makes me want to crack two beers and chug them in the middle of the wrestling ring)