1. You develop an unhealthy fascination with brains
A small watery meatbag with no pain receptors is capable of experiencing the full intensity of feeling, discovering the universe and embarking on an entirely new creation. And most of us have one. That is awesome.
Dubious: I’m not a cannibal, but those brain cupcakes look delicious.
2. Your impulse control issues make for a constant case study
Would chocolate for breakfast help me avoid snacking later? I was good at that meeting, I deserve to put off deeper processing efforts for a few more… days.
3. As each year passes, your hope for humanity dwindles
How can they be this illogical? Can’t they see what they’re doing? Meta-cognition is a band name to these people isn’t it? Amygdala overdrive in practice.
4. “Isn’t that like sociology?”
If a Vespa is a Harley.
5. The people who think IQ fully equates to intelligence
Have you heard of Binet? Clue: it isn’t a hat.
IQ is a test which measures how well you do …on tests.
6. You have a unique place among the majors
More science than a liberal art, less maths than a harder science.
You can’t help but feel slightly superior for it.
The tool of sadistic social scientists to send us ironically insane with tutorials and spreadsheets with pointless style rules and an ever-changing rota of updates.
8. When people misuse terms against you
It doesn’t mean what you think it means.
ex. Having one negative opinion does not a pessimist make.
Conversely, laughing a lot doesn’t make you an optimist.
9. Reference lists and educational videos
It’s too easy to procrastinate.
Brain porn? Seriously?
This term should never have been allowed to exist.
11. Nature v Nurture
You expect me to know the answer?
One. No, the other. Both. Definitely both.
12. No research can withstand the force of my personal anecdote
Unless your aunt Zelda did a published study, stop.
13. Probabilistic Statistics
The ones we learn have no practical applications at a casino.
14. Simple card games can defeat you
Try explaining the Wason selection logic down the pub.
15. The crazy researcher names
Looking at you Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.
16. Game theory
17. Derailing privileged loudmouths is fun
“Actually, studies have shown…”
18. Evolutionary explanations
19. Identity display in consumer choices
The bounded rationality is paralyzing.
WHO AM I?!
20. Personality tests
The new horoscope.
21. “The brain is a computer, haven’t you studied the theory?”
Stop trying to make the computer metaphor happen.
22. Mediating conflicts
23. There is no such thing as a correct answer
aaand plenty of wrong ones.
24. Studies which pay in actual money
25. You’re expected to Explain the Crazy
26. Press coverage of important studies
27. “Isn’t it common sense?”
28. “I had this dream-“
29. “Can you read my mind?”
Is there enough in there?
30. Freud jokes
31. Things can get weird
My personal favourite is Otherkin.
Werepanthers, dragons, elves, unicorns….
32. You have to check yourself from thinking too hard
Thinking about thinking is surreal.
33. Introspection becomes a daily sport
34. Clinical studies should never be scheduled before lunch
yet they always are.
35. “Psychology isn’t a science”
Hopefully you’ll never be in a position to say that to a neurologist or a psychiatrist.
36. You begin to see dating in terms of mating ritual
37. People watching becomes an observational social experiment
With unusual results.
38. Your flirting technique needs some work
Hey, you’re very symmetrical.
40. Taboos fade into oblivion
When you openly discuss pornography, torture and drug use with your professors, the boundaries disappear.
41. When someone agrees with your pet theory
42. p = <0.05
43. You want to teach the pigeons in Trafalgar Square how to play ping pong
Ethics are for people who need funding.
44. Your Just in Case index expands into worrying areas
lie detection, authority and status signals, serial killer profiling…
45. You have valid opinions on countless subjects
People are involved in pretty much everything ever.
46. Applications are endless
There is no limit.
Everything is studying. Any career is kinda viable.
47. You develop great comebacks
Words are the language of the mind.
48. You fear that one day your mind will turn on you
We are vulnerable and dependent on a small lump of electrically charged meat for our very experience of life. The DSM/ICD makes the paranoia worse.
49. Jung is under-rated
Pop culture wouldn’t be as entertaining without his influence.
50. The lecturers who read off the slides but expect you to memorize it
51. Wording is imperative
Diverge from APA at your peril.
52. Nothing is ever as it first appears
Bow to Bayes.
53. You’ve studied basic life skills like remembering stuff
Pity it didn’t work.
54. When the diagnostic criteria changes
55. When a replacement theory correction comes out
56. MRI noises
Quell the tiny doubt you may be about to die.
57. Trusting participants
58. Suspicious participants
Do not tempt me.
59. Recollecting your previously questionable dating taste
60. You rethink every relationship in your life
61. Your dissertation topic is your baby
You become irrationally protective.
62. Your peers are nutty
Alas, the stereotype is somewhat true.
In fairness, they probably diagnosed you too.
The constant personal testing allays your fears.
63. You learn your past is alive in your present
Freud had some good points.
64. You have to let go of your misconceptions
It is painful.
It is science.
65. It’s worth it all
for the deeper understanding you acquire of your fellow man.
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