1. Have you met the Queen?
Probably not. In general, we love her though.
2. Do you have tea parties?
We have an entire part of the day sectioned off and called “Tea time”.
It involves lots of biscuits and sweets and that’s why we have bad teeth.
3. How is the ‘perfect cup of tea’ such a big deal to you?
It’s the answer to any social awkwardness.
Boyfriend broke up with you? I’ll put the kettle on.
Bad exam? I’ll put the kettle on.
World ending? I’ll put the kettle on.
For the record, the proper order is : water > tea > milk > sugar and for the related scone question: butter then jam because that’s how the Queen does it.
4. Why do you have so many trees? Why is it always raining?
The Queen loves green spaces and she owns a lot of land.
The weather reflects the national mood of pessimism and need for brollys.
5. How are you this polite?
We aren’t polite; everyone else is rude.
6. Why do you queue so much?
We don’t know the answer to this one either. Tradition?
7. Why does your money have famous people like Darwin on it?
Because they symbolize national accomplishments and our international reputation.
We have big rows over who to include and everyone gets opinionated.
8. Why do you drink so much?
This is Europe.
Our drinking culture is the foundation for every other type of our culture.
9. Why is your food so heavy?
It’s very cold over here and you’ll need the calories.
Also helps to absorb all that booze.
10. Why do nightclubs have such tiny dancefloors?
We can usher the extraverted drunk dancers and attention whores into the same area and treat it like the pen at a petting zoo. The real socializing happens at the bar and tables.
For this reason, shots are only a thing among students.
11. Why does the Tube keep closing “early”/for maintenance?
Public sector strikes happen when we question it.
Strikes which make it close for days at a time.
12. Am I on the right train?
No one is really sure and you broke the etiquette rule of speaking on the train.
13. Aren’t you proud of your rich history?
This is how we educate our schoolchildren.
14. I don’t understand your humour…
This is intended to be a question?
Our humour is based on social status, we’re very classist but we’re not allowed to talk about it. Certain jokes are meant to be inclusive - up until a point. Remember, Shakespeare was a master of bawdy (sexy/rude) humour and look how much we love him.
15. I don’t “get” Doctor Who, could you explain it to me?
If you happen to be asking one of us who is indeed a Whovian, I advise you to run. Run as fast as you can while you still can.
If you’re asking one of us who is not, we will be annoyed because it’s considered a children’s programme and you want an intellectual breakdown.