1. Once upon a time, there was a gorgeous human named Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
His eyes were VERY blue. Like an ocean, or a pool, or maybe even a really nice bath.
2. His face was chiseled like a god’s face.
Maybe like Adonis’ or Hercules’ face, but it doesn’t really matter. He was very, very handsome.
4. And sometimes he looked like this when he was thinking and stuff.
5. Okay, one more look at his beautiful face.
Now relax, okay?
6. So one day, Jonathan Rhys Meyers turned into a vampire named Dracula.
Ignore the blood. He didn’t mean it!
7. Because he knew how hot he’d look with a cane and top hat.
So dark, so mysterious.
8. He became so powerful that he looked this good while he was on top of a building with blood on his face.
Look at him, all defiant and stuff. Swoon.
9. When he came into any room, everyone would look at him.
His manly vampire presence silenced everyone.
10. And so obviously, his mysterious vampire charm made all the ladies love him.
Because who wouldn’t want him to kiss their hand? Anyone? Anyone? Nope.
11. And they were all like, “bite me, bite me, because whatever I don’t care.”
Because he is so hot, right?
12. So all the ladies around him started thinking that maybe, just maybe, being with him for eternity would be cool.
I mean, it could be pretty nice.
13. Why would spending eternity with him be great, you ask? Well… he gives talks to very important people.
So you could just sit there and be like ha ha, mine, while all the OTHER women lust after him in the audience.
14. You’d get to receive this smile from across a pillow for thousands of years, maybe even millions.
15. He’d give you his very charming tough-love attitude, from time to time, which you’d love.
All the time: morning, day, and night.
16. And he is always well dressed, so you could always be the well-dressed couple.
And everyone loves the well-dressed couple, right?
17. And at least there would always be a party to go to.
Because Dracula and his woman would be invited to every social event. Or they’d die.