Chat with Comcast Analyst at 3:46 PM Brian R.: Hello, my name is Brian R. How can I assist you today? You: I want to cancel my service Brian R.: You want to cancel your Comcast service. Is that correct? You: Yes Brian R.: May I ask why you want to cancel your service? You: Because my bill keeps going up and the service keeps getting worse. Brian R.: Please, tell us what we did wrong. We deserve an explanation, don’t you think? You: I just told you Brian R.: That wasn’t very convincing. This will be a lot easier if you just cooperate with me here. You: Listen mother fucker, cancel my service or I’ll find out where you live and get your phone number and I will harass you and your family everyday for the foreseeable future. Brian R.: I understand that you want to disconnect, but I need to ask a few questions. What are you wearing right now? You: My ass kicking boots. Brian R.: Did you know Comcast can get you five or six times better service than any other company? Any. Other. Company. You: Tell that to Google Brian R.: Is the #1 Internet service provider just not good enough for you? You: I don’t like monopolies. Brian R.: Look, I’m just trying to understand why you want slower Internet speeds when you could have the best service in the whole world. You: Your shit sucks. Brian R.: Wait… this is about that Internet service provider down the street, isn’t it? You: This is about your whore of a mother sucking your boss’s fat cock. She should have swallowed you. Brian R.: Are you honestly telling me that this new provider satisfies you more than the #1 ISP in the country? You: This new provider uses lube before fucking me in the ass. Brian R.: Does this other ISP make you laugh? You: Of course, it’s fucking hilarious. Brian R.: I don’t think you actually want to cancel your service. You don’t really mean that. You: Fuck off you donkey fucking shit eater Brian R.: Listen, let’s not say anything we’ll regret. Let’s just sleep on this and talk about it more later. Okay? You: How about you fucking cancel my service before I put my boot so far up your ass that you taste your own shit. Brian R.: Don’t you remember all the good times we shared? All the pirated tv shows swept under the rug? You: Actually, there are no pirated TV shows. Brian R.: Oh yeah? Well I heard that this new provider you love so much really gets around. They won’t give you the same attention that Comcast does. You: Comcast is that creepy old mother fucker watching the little boys from the same bench across from the playground in the park who then goes home and pleasures himself before making a vow to kill Chris Hansen because he’s ruining his people’s way of life. Brian R.: Shhhhhhhhhhhh. You: I hit it spot on, didn’t I? Brian R.: Let me talk for one second. Have you ever, once, thought about Comcast’s feelings in all of this? You: Yeah, I think that they don’t give a flying fuck about their customers, they only care about making money. Brian R.: I’m sorry. I’m SOOOO sorry. This is my fault. I see that now. It’s MY FAULT that you don’t want to be with the fastest Internet service provider in the world. MY FAULT. You: You’re God Damned right it is. Brian R.: I’m not sure I like your tone. Brian R.: Miley was so right… you came in like a wrecking ball. You: Is that how you describe how I came all over your wife’s face this morning after you left for your shitty job? Brian R.: ~I CAME IN LIKE A WREEEECCKING BALL~ You: Yeah, it came out so fast that it gave her two black eyes, she looks like a fucking raccoon that stuck it’s face into a bowl of icing. Brian R.: ~ALL I WANTED WAS TO BREAK YOUR WALLS~ You: I think you’ve given up on life. You can’t do anything to change my mind about canceling my service. Brian R.: All you ever did was wreck me. You wrecked me. You: Me-1 Brian R.: Maybe everyone should know what you search for after work. And before work. And when your partner thinks you’re sleeping. You: Comcast-0 Brian R.: Fine. Like I even care. You’re not exactly the greatest customer in the world, you know. Sometimes you have really bad breath. You: I think you’re running out of arguments. Brian R.: You know what? You don’t even deserve the fastest Internet in the country. I hope you and this new provider are happy together. You’re perfect for one another. You: Why thank you! I know this one won’t throttle my speed then deny it and raise my bill with more miscellaneous fees. Brian R.: Is it okay if I keep in touch with your parents? We always got along really well. You: Your attempts to try to touch a nerve by bringing my parents into this won’t work, you can’t come up with anything original. Your insults are mediocre at best, your people skills are terrible, of course you do work for Comcast, so I guess I can’t hold that against you. Brian R.: Can you just order one more pay-per-view movie? For old time’s sake? You: Fuck your pay-per-view, I’ve never ordered one. Brian R.: I’m not sure I like your tone. Brian R.: We can still be friends, right? You: My friends don’t try to fuck me over. Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!! You: Bye! Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!! You: Bye bye! Brian R.: Please don’t leave!!!