1. 1. Mini Pet Cow, from $1,000
Unfortunately, the mini pet giraffes turned out to be a hoax. But mini pet cows are for real! [Warning: mini pet cows turn into semi-maxi pet cows.]
2. 2. Renaissance Faire Outfit, $170
Is your special someone into LARPing? Nothing says sexy like a man in a frilly shirt and latchet shoes, whatever those are. (additional $75). Also available in a lady version.
3. 3. (Overly) Personalized Pillow Case, $30 plus defense counsel for restraining order
You know what’s a subtle way of telling someone you want to sleep with them? Your face, ON THEIR PILLOW.
4. 4. High-Waisted Body Shaping Spanx, $28
This Valentine’s Day, tell her, “I like you just the way you are.”*
5. 5. Flowers in Sienna’s Flower Garden, $5 and up
Real flowers are cliché, and if you forget to change the water for a few days, it starts to smell like a baby skunk’s dirty diaper. But flowers in Sienna’s Flower Garden are beautiful, live forever, and help save a little girl’s life. Swoon.
6. 6. Peanut Butter & Jelly Twin Beard, $98 + shipping
Your Valentine’s the yin to your yang, the Hall to your Oates, the peanut butter to your jelly…twin. What?
7. 7. Knit a sweater made from their dog’s hair, whatever approximately 200 hours of your time is worth
Don’t know how to knit? Don’t worry, that’s the easy part. The hard parts are washing, drying and skeining the “yarn”. Oh, and collecting it on the down low. Do it for romance!
8. 8. Falconry lessons, starting at $301 per night (plus $35 if you want to “watch”, seriously)
Can you really put a price on the thrill of watching your lover narrowly escape having their eyes clawed out by a majestic bird? Yes, pay attention, it’s $301 (and up).
9. 9. A Life Coach, $200 - $1,000
Your special someone’s pretty great, but couldn’t they be a little greater? Get them a life coach to help them realize how to achieve career goals, overcome personal issues, and get rid of poisonous people in their life, which totally won’t be you.
10. 10. A Grave Plot, $1,000 and up
Nothing says “together forever” like side by side grave plots. Too soon? Nah.