1. Forget pancakes. Start your day off with a hearty Irish breakfast…
2. …to the soundtrack of a not-American classic:
When choosing an outfit, don’t wear red, white or blue.
Okay, the unitard is optional, but make sure you wear something that is VISIBLY not trying to emulate the American flag in any way, shape or form. And yes, turquoise is okay.
If you’re not a corn-fed American, rep your home country’s flag! Berets/scrub caps are a must.
After that, listen exclusively to songs from abroad.
Does “The Star-Spangled Banner” come with its own dance? I think not.
Cheat on Budweiser by drinking foreign beers.
They’re not twist-off, but the taste will be worth it. The taste of sweet, sweet rebellion.
3. Don’t grill any of your meals. In fact, fuck grilling.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Order in instead. The ethnic and not-burger options are endless.
You can eat in bed!
This will also get you away from all that July 4th parade nonsense.
4. If you want to run around outside, don’t play croquet.
6. If you’d rather watch a game, skip the great American pastime.
7. Check out the Tour de France.
When it gets to fireworks time, remember they’re kind of a death wish.
So watch an action movie instead!
Better explosions. Better looking people.
8. Or if you can’t drown out the noise outside, just turn on a lively Bollywood flick.
9. And at the end of the day, you don’t have to worry about letting America down.
You can have a great, less-than-patriotic day and America will still love you.
Why? Because America is a free country and you can do whatever you want.
- Dylann Roof pleaded not guilty to federal hate crime charges in the Charleston church massacre.