1. Pastry
No amount of 'traditional Cornish pasties' will ever convince us there's anything more rewarding than a flaky, lukewarm, corned beef pasty from Greggs. Our town centres have this law that says 'no man should ever have to walk more than 50 steps to acquire a £1 lunch-to-go.' I even recall the hey-day of a 24-hour Greggs with it's very own doorman.
2. Football Fans
Never have I seen such a show of dedication as the masses of northern fans making their way to their stadium every week. They know it's going to be shit. They know the chances of winning are about as slim as the beer pipes being clean yet man, wife and child get out there and root on their team.
3. Reality TV
Haway now, Made in Chelsea and TOWIE on par with Geordie Shore? Absolutely not a cat in hells chance. Gaz as the cock of the north, Sunderland girl Charlotte winning CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER!!!
We got trash TV down to a T.
4. Tradesmen
Friday 3pm; the Hour of the Tradesman. It's knocking off time when the lurcal is filled with hardworking fellahs knocking off for the week, complete with rigger boots and plaster covered hair. We northern girls fluff up our hair, tighten the push up bra and wait for the convoy of white vans to pull up.
5. Winter
We're hardy and well prepared for the ensuing chill that blackens the north in winter. We have an absolutely fool-proof plan for it too - it involves drinking so much that it feels like you're wearing a coat, that and a good thick layer of false tan will stave off any moans about the temperature - you southerners don't know you're born.
6. Brutal Banter
We're generally a loving bunch, it's just that we show our affection by being right bastards to out nearest and dearest. Try throwing the word 'cunt' around in the south and see where it gets you. In the north where we use it as an endearing term it's likely to get you a pint and a lifelong pal.
7. Drinking
Because drinks are half the price, we drink twice as many, simple as, which means we have way more practise in drinking out own body-weight, and everybody knows that practise makes perfect. It stands to reason that us northerners will always excel in the drinking stakes. If you don't believe us, let's have a drink off.
8. Accents
Reet, we might be illegible to some of you after a few too many but there's a reason the Geordie accents is continually considered to be the nation's favourite - it's because no matter how much of a cunt we're being, you can guarantee that it still sounds like we could be offering you a cup of tea and a slice of cake.
9. Tea
Yorkshire tea. Does any other county in the UK have a tea named after it? Is Yorkshire in the north? Do we pop round each others houses for a cuppa in the afternoon? It might be the disproportionate number of aforementioned tradesmen up here that's taught us how to make a proper brew but regardless, there's no denying that the collective north knows its way around a kettle.
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