1. 10. “You should come to MY job, you can get TONS of material there!”
I’m sure you laugh a lot at work. That’s great! It means you have a fun job. But just because things are funny to you at work, doesn’t mean that it transitions to the stage. It’s unique in your environment because you’re familiar with it. But to strangers, I would have to lay everything out to them and describe every person and their habits, just to get to the point that it was silly for Ed to use the copier when he KNEW it was out of ink. Cute, but it’s not for me. That, and I don’t wanna go to work with you. That sounds terrible.
2. 9. “Ya know, I’m a comedian too….around my friends!”
If you say this then laugh: double douche points. Good for you for being funny to your friends. Comedians are funny to strangers. It’s different. By all means, I encourage you to hit an open mic and try your luck. Maybe you’ll be good at it! Or maybe you’ll fail. And I’ll be there…..
4. 8.“When’s your next show? Do you have a guest list? I’ll be there! (And NOT come.)”
We want you to come to shows and have a good time. If you can’t make it, let us know. That way we don’t look like a jackass to the booker when we say we have people coming, and they don’t show. That is a bad reflection on us. Sometimes, this will cause us to not get booked back. Also, if you’ve been saying for years now that you, “Really need to make it out to a show one of these days” we remember that. And when we get famous, and you ask to come to a show, your ass is going to pay full price.
5. 7. “Tough crowd…”
Dude, I know I bombed. I was there. You don’t need to remind me. Look at it this way: You don’t have to try and think of something nice to say to me because after that, I don’t feel like talking to people anyway. Just smile, and walk away.
6. 6. “You shouldn’t joke about ______ That’s not funny…”
Comedy is subjective. What you find offensive, others might find hilarious. And we aren’t concerned about what is and isn’t offensive, we’re concerned about what’s FUNNY. If people don’t laugh, we’ll stop doing the joke, but in the mean time…
8. 5. “If comedy doesn’t work out, what’s your plan B?”
Uuhh….What??? I’m just going to do comedy because it makes me happy, and it’s my dream….I don’t need a backup plan. This will work, or I’ll die. It’s that simple.
9. 4. “Hey! You still doing that ‘comedy’ thing?”
This is usually said when you haven’t seen us for quite sometime. Most people think of things like comedy as a hobby, or a phase that will pass. To us, it’s our LIFE. It’s all we have. And you come off as a total ass hat when you ask us about our “skits” or “comedy thingy’s” or “yuk yuk’s.” Yes I’m still doing that “comedy thing” and it’s going very well. I’m living in LA! Hollywood bitch! With 5 other comics in a studio apartment…….but that kitchen floor is MY domain!
10. 3. “I got one for ya…You can use it if you’d like.”
No. Don’t wanna hear it. Don’t care. Please. Don’t. Stop. I mean it. I’m not gonna laugh, and it’s gonna hurt your feelings. Don’t do this to yourself. You’re a dentist, stick to teeth. I’ll tell jokes. I promise I won’t bust into your office and start messing with all your shiny tools, if you promise to never do this to me ever again.
11. 2. “Tell me a joke!”
I’m off the clock right now. You’re literally saying, “DANCE, MONKEY!” to me right now. This is really rude, and I hate you so much for this. Come to a show and hear a bunch of my jokes. You showed up late to the show and didn’t see my set? Quit being late to things. Get your life together. It’s falling apart. This is why you’re going to die alone.
12. 1. Anything at all while we’re performing.
Heckling is one of the rudest things you can do as a person. It’s right up there with spitting in the Pope’s face. We’ve spent a lot of time working on these jokes. And now you’re ruining them with your poorly-timed words. Not to mention the fact that you’re ruining the show for everyone else around you. I don’t mind heckling personally. But that’s only because I want to make you look like a jackass in front of everyone. I enjoy it. I’m an asshole. But not as big an asshole as you are for interrupting my performance. So sit down, shut up, and enjoy the rest of your bachelorette party, bitch.