13 Reasons To “Blame Canada”

South Park was right. Canada is responsible for all the terrible things that happen in the world. If you want more proof, tune in all-new episodes of South Park Wednesdays at 10E/7P, only on Much.

1. Canada’s (allegedly) crack-smoking mayors are stronger than the U.S.’s (allegedly) crack-smoking mayors.

The Canadian Press, Chris Young / AP

Sorry, Marion Barry. You’re old, old news.

2. Crime.

The Canadian Press / Via cbc.ca

3. Their threatening hardcore culture.

4. Their public transportation is unnervingly polite.

5. Traffic is a stone-cold nightmare.

The National Post / Via news.nationalpost.com

6. Their awesome health care makes everyone else look like jerks.

Andrew Hickey for Buzzfeed / Via Shutterstock

7. They have glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarters. Now we want to throw away all our dumb, boring American money.

You can use your stupid non-glow-in-the-dark money to buy them here.

8. FACT: They have an OPEC-style stranglehold on the world’s maple syrup supply.

Thinkstock

Quebec alone produces 2/3 of the world’s maple syrup. Think about what would happen if they decided to turn off the spigot for just one day: We’d all be forced to choke down our pancakes with vile, corn syrup-based Mrs. Butterworth garbage-sauce.

CHAOS.

9. Her.

THE CANADIAN PRESS / AP

10. Him.

The Associated Press / AP

Three facts about Ryan Gosling:
1. He was born in Ontario.
2. He is obsessed with animal welfare.
3. He has set an unattainable worldwide standard of dreamboatness. Thanks a lot Ryan Gosling.

11. Canada has banned the Westboro Baptist Church, confining them to America, where they’ll just get crazier and crazier in their desperate need for attention.

Carolyn Kaster / AP

12. That place is literally crawling with Sasquatches.

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