Why Hasn’t Blake Griffin Used His Time-Traveling Car To Save Abraham Lincoln?

This is not how you should use a time machine. posted on

For those of you who are unaware, star Clippers forward Blake Griffin can travel through time. It’s all documented in a series of Kia commercials that have been running lately. He just hops in his Kia Optima, tells his “infotainment” system to send him back to some year, and BOOM! Blake is pulling a Marty McFly. It’s that simple.

And what does Blake do with this incredible power? He chooses to go back in time to teach HIMSELF valuable life lessons.

You know, really important things, like…

Practice your free throws…

Stop wearing jean shorts…

And put on sunblock.

Okay, those are sound tips. But still: stop thinking about yourself, man. You can travel through time! Quit being selfish and start using this technology to its full potential. Younger Blake shouldn’t be the guy who’s asking who you are and where you came from; John Wilkes Booth should be the guy asking who you are and where you came from, until you dropkick him back into the Roman Empire where he’ll assassinate Nero instead. History, y’all!

Also, how does younger you not recognize future you? You’ve gone back half a dozen times. Younger Blake should always be like, “Oh, hey, man. Why haven’t you brought me any cool Future Snacks?” Maybe a better life lesson than “play that dunking arcade game” would be “try not forget about all those times you were VISITED BY A MASSIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF FROM THE FUTURE.” Maybe young Blake is confusing old Blake with some other 6’10”, 250-pound, curly-haired superhuman?

There’s one more possibility: that we’re spending too much time thinking about a series of light-hearted television ads for an affordably-priced sedan.

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