Admittedly, we don’t know too much about New York Fashion Week, but when we were offered tickets to see the NFL’s Junk Food show curated by Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari, we jumped at the opportunity. We wanted to see why people toss on their most expensive outfit and act as though it is perfectly normal to stare and judge ridiculously good-looking people. This is what happens when three guys who know nothing about fashion go to a fashion show:
2. NFC SOUTH:
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Logan: Ugh. We just started and I already need to go on a diet.
Matt: Nothing says “Go Tampa!” like an orange stripe on a baby Gap shirt. I guess.
Ray: Who needs room for internal organs when you have a shirt that color?
4. Atlanta Falcons
Logan: I don’t know who this model is, but I like her. And I like her in that outfit. I guess she can be my girlfriend.
Matt: I guess this sort of looks like a 1950s cheerleader outfit, and I’m sort of into that kind of thing.
Ray: That necklace is big but it could be bigger. MUCH bigger.
5. Carolina Panthers
Logan: I like that my girlfriend put her hands in the shorts pockets. It’s good to know that those are there. Pockets are important, people.
Matt: I actually already assumed this is what people wear to Carolina Panthers games.
Ray: Really dig how she matches the runway. No idea what that means.
6. New Orleans Saints
Logan: I’ve done an iron-on T-shirt before. Mine said “Push Up Squad” and it had my name on the back. This shirt looks nothing like it.
Matt: This is just a T-shirt, right? Am I missing something?
7. NFC WEST:
8. San Francisco 49ers
Logan: I just now realized how stupid it is that a team is called the “49ers.” It didn’t occur to me until I saw it as big as someone’s entire torso.
Matt: I want to see Jim Harbaugh rock this look on the sideline.
Ray: It’s the football-jersey version of a tuxedo with tails. For the discerning Niners fan at dinner service on the QE2.
9. Arizona Cardinals
Logan: No. Just, no. This shirt is stupid and that pattern belongs on the table of a tacky restaurant. Please leave the runway.
Matt: No wardrobe is complete without a Arizona Cardinals nightie.
Ray: If only they played football games in fields of gently rustling wildflowers.
10. St. Louis Rams
Logan: I think I’ve seen this outfit before when I got lost in Forever 21.
Matt: True story. I’ve never met a Rams fan.
Ray: I would look so stupid in that belt.
11. Seattle Seahawks
Logan: I can’t get over how little I know of Seattle. Are there really that many trees there?
Matt: Put this design on a crewneck sweatshirt and I’d buy it.
Ray: OK, NOW we’re doing something.
12. NFC NORTH:
13. Chicago Bears
Logan: How do you even get that on? So many daily struggles I will never understand…
Matt: This look tells me Jay Cutler had some input on this show.
Ray: Lol nipples.
14. Detroit Lions
Logan: My mom is going to be so pumped to hear that shoulder pads are back in style.
Matt: “For the one not-bankrupt person in Detroit.”
Ray: I dig the shiny blue text on the shirt, and also the shoes. This is how the ’80s thought the future was going to look.
15. Green Bay Packers
Logan: If that sweater isn’t the itchiest thing in the world…
Matt: This is gonna be the hottest clubbing outfit in Green Bay, Wisconsin. POP: 105,809.
Ray: The sweater is mildly frumpy, but I legit like this.
16. Minnesota Vikings
Logan: That…does not look right. What is going on here?
Matt: I’m color-blind. Is that purple?
Ray: Oh, I see what happened, she put this on backwards. (Please tell me she put this on backwards.)
17. NFC EAST:
18. Philadelphia Eagles
Logan: Oh my god! Nobody likes itchy sweaters, Kristin!
Matt: This couldn’t be more Philly if it was running up museum steps, eating a cheesesteak, and giving you the finger.
Ray: I like the sweater but the bedazzled super-high shorts? Not so much. Also, and more importantly, FUCK THE EAGLES.
19. New York Giants
Logan: Hate the necklace, love the outfit. Next.
Matt: Maxi dresses and the NFL go together so well! Who knew? Kristin Cavallari did. (Sup, Kristin.)
Ray: Nothing says Giants football like a beach blanket. Or maybe it’s a futon cover? Either way, nnnnnnope.
20. Washington Redskins
Logan: Everything about this is now something I hate.
Matt: I thought bulky knee braces were “in” this year? No?
Ray: The pants are a very creative use of garbage bags. The shirt is…dumb.
21. AFC SOUTH:
22. Indianapolis Colts
Logan: The first thing that comes to my mind is “Bat Mitzvah.” I’m sorry, but we were all thinking it.
Matt: This is about as flattering as something that’s unflattering.
Ray: Matt’s comment made me lol.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars
Logan: This is the perfect excuse to stare at someone’s chest. “Don’t mind me, just looking for the jaguar.”
Matt: What is this a Magic Eye book?
Ray: This is so GRIM. Like the Jaguars!
24. Houston Texans
Logan: I actually really like this. I believe the term is called “color-blocking.”
Matt: I have family that lives in Texas. I felt like this was an appropriate time to say that. I really have nothing to add on this look. I like the star.
Ray: By now we’ve definitely established that these women all have midsections.
25. Tennessee Titans
Logan: Nothing about this outfit makes sense. Her sleeves should match her skirt. Why don’t her sleeves match her skirt?
Matt: I’m still bitter about the Music City Miracle, so I think this look is hideous.
Ray: She does NOT look happy to be wearing this, and I can’t blame her.
26. AFC WEST:
27. Denver Broncos
Logan: This was, like, the perfect outfit 50 years ago.
Matt: I see her nipple.
Ray: Dig the ’60s go-go vibe here. I, too, see her nipple.
28. San Diego Chargers
Logan: Whoa. A necklace that goes into a belt? (Or whatever you call that waist thingy.) Now I’ve seen everything.
Matt: Does anyone else think the Chargers symbol looks like a cartoon mustache?
Ray: She’s dressed sort of like a gang member from that movie The Warriors.
29. Kansas City Chiefs
Logan: This outfit is boring me.
Matt: Who is HIEF?
Ray: How much fun could you have watching football in a white skirt? Wouldn’t you be terrified of spilling on it?
30. Oakland Raiders
Logan: Wait. Didn’t I just see this? Zero points for originality. You’re fired, Raiders. You’re fired. Donald Trump. You’re fired.
Matt: If I was a Raiders fan I’d wear this. I’d also have a serious drug dependency, but I’d wear this.
Ray: Stylish and understated. (I think I just said a real thing?)
31. AFC NORTH:
32. Cincinnati Bengals
Logan: If orange is the new black and this outfit has orange AND black, what does that make this outfit? I say wild.
Matt: I’m sure that would fit normal-height women pretty well. I’ve always liked the Bengals helmet.
Ray: The sweatshirt is grrrrrrrrrrreat!
33. Cleveland Browns
Logan: It’s simple, and yet I have no idea how to describe it.
Matt: I could totally see this being a hit in Cleveland — fashion capital of the Great Lake Region.
Ray: This Cleveland look is a total flyover.
34. Baltimore Ravens
Logan: I’ve seen the upside down print before and it’s starting to grow on me. And I’ve always thought purple was an underrated color. I approve.
Matt: I went to college in Baltimore. This outfit needs camouflage and a tin of Skoal.
Ray: Ray Lewis gets to kill a guy and then play in the Super Bowl and beat the hell out of my Giants? I hate Ray Lewis so damn much.
35. Pittsburgh Steelers
Logan: It looks like train tracks to me, and I know that’s wrong and I don’t care.
Matt: I wonder if the Giants and Steelers dresses are identical because the owners are related? I wonder if ANYONE else at the show was thinking that.
Ray: Where’s that classic Steelers gold? Couldn’t Ms. Cavallari have done something with that awesome old-school Steelers logo? When I look at this dress I think, “missed opportunities” and also “much less skin than the other ones.”
36. AFC EAST:
37. Buffalo Bills
Logan: Oversized jersey? Check. Oversized earrings? Check. Oversized pants? OH NOOOOOOOOOO
Matt: I’ve already bought this for my girlfriend. She said she wanted a “cute Bills jersey.”
Ray: See comment on 49ers thing above. Also those earrings are the worst. Also it really does look like she forgot to put on pants.
38. Miami Dolphins
Logan: Shut up and take my money. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.
Matt: Dopest look of the show — hands down. Pair that with some Zubaz and you’re set.
Ray: I would rock the HELL out of that sweatshirt. This is “Best in Show” for sure. Is that a thing at fashion shows or just dog shows?
39. New York Jets
Logan: I have a shirt like that, only it doesn’t suck.
Matt: Finally, something I can wear to my Wall Street job on game days!
Ray: This may be the world’s first “sexy Long Island accountant” costume.
40. New England Patriots
Logan: I know what this is trying to do and I don’t like it. You can’t wear those two things together. You just can’t.
Matt: There’s nothing sexier than a woman dressing like Bill Belichick. Nothing.
Ray: I really like a woman dressed up as a grumpy, overweight man.
41. TEAMS NOT IN FASHION SHOW:
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