Despite all of its many problems (poverty, the Jets), America still remains the best country in the world. And if there’s one thing Americans love more than being free, brave, and excellent, it’s pretending to win a huge victory against some badly-stereotyped foreigner in a movie. Here are the most American sports movies of all time.
2. D2: The Mighty Ducks
I don’t know where ducks come from, but I know they play for Team USA. And when ducks fly together, man, anything is possible. ANYTHING! Like beating Team Iceland, who are jerks and whose coach is a bully and just so rude. And, for some reason, standing up and telling people your name and where you’re from is, like, such an American move. “Dwayne Robertson. Austin, Texas.” Shit yeah, Dwayne!
When it comes to drinking beer, other countries just absolutely destroy us. I blame the legal drinking age here in the States, and beer that tastes like Milwaukee’s Best, but that’s for another day. Thankfully, though, our reputation was restored when a couple of guys, who were up to no good, got caught up in an underground drinking tournament and went all World War 2 up in this [expletive] and defeated the Germans on their home turf.
Das boot? More like das [red, white, and] blue.
This movie is so American, I could cry stars and stripes. When coach Herb gives that pre-game speech, and he’s all, “Tonight, WE are the greatest hockey team in the world,” I just can’t even control my emotions. And when we finally win, I have goosebumps, tears, and just so much pride in my heart. In all honesty, watching Team USA pull off one of the biggest upsets in sports history by defeating the stupid Soviets makes me want to learn what ALL the amendments are. How many of them can there be, anyway? Maybe one or two after those original ten? *Checks number of amendments* Nevermind.
Bonus: This actually happened. Suck it, USSR!
5. Rocky IV
Rocky single-handedly ended the Cold War wearing American flag shorts, fulfilling his promise to avenge the death of his fallen comrade. On top of that, he even got the Soviet crowd to chant his name. The only way this film could get more American is if Rocky had a pet bald eagle and that eagle could recite “The Star-Spangled Banner.” What do you guys think about the fact that some people want to make “America, The Beautiful” the national anthem instead? Wouldn’t that be weird? It’s a good song, though.
And then we have, wait, WHAT?! That’s it? That’s all of the American sports movies we have? How is that even possible? Okay, somebody’s going down for this. Someone’s gotta pay. And by random selection, I pick… Canada. Sorry, Canada. Be more like America next time.