Two weeks ago, the Brooklyn Nets introduced Jason Kidd as their new head coach — a 19-year NBA veteran, but one who just retired, with zero coaching experience, who for a large portion of his career was involved in a crazy soap opera marriage and last made major news for crashing his car in a drunk-driving accident. Just yesterday the team announced a blockbuster trade with the Boston Celtics, bringing Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Jason Terry to Brooklyn — all of whom are pushing into their late 30s and are famous for their big personalities and tendency to trash talk on the court.
And now there are reports that the Nets are interested in signing free-agent Jason Collins, who came out in April as the first openly gay player in NBA history.
To be clear: Collins has played for the franchise before, when Kidd was its star, and before coming out was already the kind of guy that good teams brought in to be a responsible, break-glass-in-case-of-emergency bench player. So we’re not suggesting that either he or the Nets would make this move for the sake of attention.
That said, having the first gay player in professional basketball is not going to make the team any LESS of a proverbial media circus. Which seems to be a major part of owner Mikhail Prokhorov’s plan for his business — creating a new franchise image by filling his new arena with big names and big gestures. (That’s the positive interpretation. The negative interpretation is that he barely knows anything about the NBA and is just bringing in the only players he’s actually heard of.)
Which begs the question, is there anything left for the Brooklyn Nets to do? Well, we’ve looked into their roster and we have a few suggestions. For one, they don’t have any animals, so that needs to change, like, right now. San Diego is always open for a seal trade, so the Nets should look there first, and then they can probably get an elephant off the wire for cheap. And they’ll obviously need a lion tamer. Oh, and a bear. Definitely a bear.
After that, they can focus on the more important things, like, “Is one trapeze act enough?” and “Who should drive the clown car?” and “Why just have one clown car when we could have fifty clown cars made of diamonds?” and “What if Rihanna were the general manager?”
Yeah, what IF Rihanna were the general manager?