A Very Serious Analysis Of The 2013 Quidditch World Cup

Our Quidditch correspondent breaks down the basics of the game as the sixth annual wizard competition comes to an end.

The sixth annual Quidditch World Cup took place this past weekend in Kissimmee, FL, featuring more than 1,500 athletes from 80 teams around the world fighting for the title of QWC Champion. And since most people are only familiar with the version of the sport from the Harry Potter world, I’m here to help you understand how it works in a non-fictional environment. Below, the building blocks of a winning Quidditch World Cup squad.

2. The Traditional Shoe Trade

Trading shoes with an opposing player dates all the way back to the 1920’s when Greg Montgomery of House Ravenclaw generously gave his cleats to Allen Smithson of House Hufflepuff, after a dorm room fire left all of Smithson’s belongings burnt to a crisp.

Since then, the trading of shoes has become a sign of sportsmanship amongst players.

3. Substitutions

During a substitution, the player coming off the field must place the broom on his head as a sign of “I’m Out.” The incoming player must then place their hand on the lower back of the player he is replacing. Only then can a team complete a wizard substitution. Wizards!

4. The Kanungo Takeoff

The Kanungo Takeoff is the bicycle kick of quidditch. Not many players can master the move, but it can be a huge advantage for those that can. Let’s look closer.

The difficulty of the Kanungo Takeoff lies in the placement of the broomstick. Notice how the broom is not between his legs? This is key. Holding it off to the side with one hand allows the rider to perform a freer range of leg-wizardry.

It’s definitely a risky move, but it seem to have paid off, as we see by the astonished reaction of the fan below.

She just can’t believe it.

7. Invisible Bludgers

As you can tell, invisible bludgers are terrifying to deal with. You know, because they’re invisible. But by the looks of it, this young man was able to swat one away at the last second. Good job by him.

8. The Chair Stare

It may sound silly, but if a player is able to stare at a white chair during a game, the closest player on the opposing team will immediately have stomach pain.

Stomach pain from the chair stare. Classic quidditch.

9. Defensive Looking

If you are on defense, you cannot look at a player who is in possession of a volleyball.

This controversial rule was implemented in the ‘09 games after Becky Naboo was like, “I don’t like you looking at me.”

10. The Blood Hug

Once a player shows any sign of blood, a member of his/her team must hug them for 20 seconds.

If the cut is above the eye, a behind-the-back hug is used.
If the cut is on the arm, a bear hug is used.
If the cut is on the leg, a spin-you-around-and-dip-you hug is used.
If you’re not sure where the cut is, a high-five may be used.

11. Kickball Tug-of-War

If three minutes of game time pass without a point, a kickball is thrown onto the field. The designated player from each team must then play a game of tug-of-war with the kickball. The team with the kickball at the end is awarded 50 points.

12. The Front Ponytail

Any team that is willing to put their hair into a front ponytail automatically gets 200 points. If the front ponytail is shorter than two inches, 300 points.

13. This Year’s Winners

Isabella Gong / Via internationalquidditch.org

The University of Texas took home this season’s title, demonstrating mastery of the techniques above and many more to defeat Team UCLA by some amount of…quidditch points. Hook ‘Em.

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