1. Justin Bieber puked onstage at a show.
And the torrent of “He finally heard his own music!!” jokes hasn’t slowed since.
2. Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne totally hooked up.
Meanwhile, Twitter goes blind after hours of strained eye-rolling.
3. Hulk Hogan let the world see his Hulkamaniac.
For reasons we can’t quite pin down, “Hulk Hogan sex tape” remains the least Googled phrase of 2012. Funny, that.
4. Lindsay Lohan was Lindsay Lohan.
You just can’t tell the wind which way to blow. Even if it’s consistently blowing into the nearest court house.
5. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John made beautiful music together.
The Grease co-stars reunited for the most low-budget holiday carol on record. It’s a Christmas miracle! Oh, wait, no, it’s a “travesty.” The word we wanted was “travesty.”
6. Roseanne Barr ran for President Of These Here United States.
And she came in sixth place. No joke.
7. K-Stew broke her sparkly vampire boyfriend’s sparkly vampire heart.
By sleeping around with Much Older Man and Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. We did, however, get the word “trampire” out of the whole thing, so it wasn’t all bad.
8. Clint Eastwood gets into a heated debate with a chair.
And lo, Eastwooding was born, and the Internet did runneth it into the ground, as the Internet is wont to do with such things.
9. Octomom makes a sexy movie, does pretty standard Octomom stuff.
Meanwhile, a nation wonders if we can ever truly live in a post-Octomom society.