1. The big guy on campus who consistently mentions his father as if he IS his father even though he is clearly a very different person.
This guy has to be the most well-respected person in a 7-mile vacinity despite his only admirable qualities being a) child of some guy and b) wears varsity jacket. But eventually he learns his lesson, it’s college!
2. The elusive one who seems cool/nerdy at first but then hides behind your couch and thinks it is funny to surprise you while you’re sleeping.
He means well though. Most of the time. You’ll still be eating lunch with this guy in four years, so learn to appreciate his humor.
3. The naive one who still thinks babies come from birds in hats.
You take them under your wing and teach them how to talk to girls (or boys), and later, when they blossom into a fully-grown awesome life-crushing machine, you’ll swell with pride. THAT’S MY DUDE.
4. The social butterfly who manages to immediately befriend everyone you have and/or will ever meet on campus.
Even though they never actually show up to parties you’ve invited them to, and no one actually knows anything about them. Everyone knows who they are, but somehow, no one actually knows them, except that they are very attractive and update Social Networks often. Later, you will run into this person in a random city and finally have The Conversation you’ve been envisioning for years and years. But not for a while, really, do something else in the meantime.
5. The gymrat who boasts about doing 1000 push-ups everyday because he can actually do 1000 push-ups everyday.
This person is constantly asking to bench-press people and already has biceps the size of your torso even though they are like 18 years old. But befriending them turns out to be a great decision when the jerks from your rival school decide it’d be fun to pick on you… this guy has your back, with like one finger. Only needs one.
6. The intellectual who has a mathematically impossible GPA.
This person is inexplicably the valedictorian of two classes at once. Lives in a corner of the library and plays the stock market for fun. THE STOCK MARKET. You’ll be asking for help with something at some point, so why not ask the best of the best?
7. The overachiever who is in every single club, from improv club to community service club to art club to chess club.
Like literally, all the clubs, and never sleeps, unless it’s for Sleep Club (President and founder). You’ll be in at least one (1) club together and you’ll admire their dedication, if not be exhausted by it.
8. The shy one who you think you saw once for like two seconds but it was dark, so probably not.
You hear whispers of them via social media but you’re not entirely sure if they actually exist or they are just a really complex prank your friends are playing on you. No known associates. Later, they’ll email you out of the blue thanking you for always being nice to them and you’ll be very confused, but what a nice day that will be!
9. The guy who you initially dread running into because he’ll talk to you until you’re late, or you die, whichever comes first.
He’s worse than your mom, which is kind of endearing, because then you realize that sometimes you actually do want someone to talk to you and listen to you and then you end up calling this guy. He’s a great listener.
10. The oddball that will, seriously, with no hesitation, do some sort of weird chant-dance in public and seems impervious to shame.
He’s in touch with his Chakra, whatever that is. He always smells faintly of incense and seems to have parted ways with showers at an early age. He’s VERY into his parents. But he teaches you how to love everybody, even that guy who talks a lot. He’s your spirit guide.
11. The tough one who tells everyone stories about how in high school they used to stuff people into lockers like textbooks.
They listen to inaudible yelling over violins being violently smashed against moving farm machinery, and they refer to it as “music.” But when you discover their sensitive side, you drop a lot of high-school-level assumptions about the black-and-white nature of people.
12. The older person who is awkwardly situated between you and your parents in age yet still bears the title “undergraduate,” despite looking like a sitcom.
Not only can they rent a car and do their own taxes, this perhaps married individual remembers “what it was like being a kid without an iPhone.” This is the person that teaches you that age stops mattering after you graduate, especially when it comes to making friends.
13. The house mom who cooks and cleans and takes care of everyone, despite the fact that none of you are actually her children.
Every sorority has one, and sometimes, every college-aged dwelling has one — the caretaker, the person who seems to be all over making sure everyone has juiceboxes even though you haven’t had a juicebox since third grade. But you really want one all of sudden, don’t you?