2. Begin that new full-time job of endlessly hitting refresh on your ex-lover’s Facebook page.
And do it with far more dedication than your actual job, which you’re no longer turning up to.
Variations include: Stalk everyone who posts on your ex-lover’s feeds, deeply regret your hasty deletion of ex-lover from your social networks, then use Google or a mutual friend’s laptop to stalk them and interpret any time they “like” something on your feed as a sign they want to get back together.
3. Replay on infinite loop the songs you and your lover used to listen to together.
Boombox and Peter Gabriel come optional.
4. Discover a new affinity with your bed.
Because only happy, coupled off people deserve to stand up.
5. Do everything as normal except add WHISKY.
Showering, with whisky. Breakfast cereal, with whisky. Whisky, with whisky.
6. Attend a wedding.
You wouldn’t invite a recovering alcoholic to a beer launch, would you?
7. Watch entire seasons of television shows in one sitting.
Sure beats being curled up in foetal position crying!
8. Drive your friends nuts by losing the ability to talk about anything but your ex.
9. Lose your shit when they use words like “plenty” and “fish”.
I know they don’t “get it”, but trust me, you’re going to need them.
10. Invent a unique and highly personal new system of time.
11. Let personal hygiene standards drop with inverse proportion to how bad you feel.
12. Meticulously comb through all your past communication in the hope of discovering “where it all went wrong.”
13. Let the entire world know, with lengthy detail, every component of your mental breakdown.
You do know that the girl behind the register was just being polite when she asked how your day was going?
14. Decide against going to a professional for that “fabulous, new you” haircut.
Goodbye past, hello bad fringe.
16. Go into MANIC SUPER SONIC OVERLOAD PARTY drive in the hope that it will fill the terrifying black hole that’s been threatening to devour you.
17. Hit up every ex in your phonebook …
(With a loose definition of what counts as an “ex”.)
18. … and/or tumble into the nearest, highly inappropriate, rebound relationship that you know you’ll later regret.
19. Write poems, make drawings and sing songs about your ex, in volumes that verge on “creepy.”
Unless you’re this guy, or Taylor Swift, or just about every successful pop act of the last century for that matter.
Because maybe none of the things on this list are all that bad if they help you process the pain and reach rock bottom. At which point you’ll stop caring that the whisky bottle is empty and that you haven’t showered for three days. In fact, you won’t give a damn about anything anymore.
It is there, floating in the gravity-free apathy zone, you will make the quiet discovery that your heart isn’t hurting quite so much anymore.
Welcome to Day 1.
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