All The Designers Of NHL Womens’ Merchandise Are Drunk

Clearly the designers over on NHL.com have been celebrating the Bruins v. Blackhawks final while still on the clock. Because their merch has gone to some really, really weird places.

1. “Guys! Guys! What if we made pretend UGGs, but platform, like Baby Spice? Girls love Baby Spice.”

Hockey rinks aren’t that cold, guys.

Who had to go hunt a bear and staple it to one of the Spice Girls’ discarded platform boots to make these? Whose job is that? Can that be my job?

2. “You know what we need in the NHL? More … babies. That look like each other. And their moms. Because genetics, and clothing.”

Here’s a fun fact: did you know that thing in the middle was called a “creeper”? The NHL sure did when they advertised a “maternity infant set … [including] a creeper and a bib.”

There’s only one creeper in this bar, NHL, and it’s that guy that keeps buying you drinks because you have “eyes like the summer moon at its zenith.”

3. “MAKE IT RAIN BARTENDER I’M HERE 2 PARTY!!!!!!”

You want me to pay $374.99 for a totally standard brown bag whose only remotely unique feature is a tiny embossed CBJ logo?

Who do you think I am?

4. “Evrr,,,,ything is the same. I want. Bags? Shirts. French friesss.”

How many Tequila Boom Booms did it take before you looked at someone’s sweatshirt and thought, “Damn, that’d make one sweet purse”?

5. “Where m I why isss th’ werrld tippy overy how do fingers????”

Go home NHL, you big lush.

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