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Posted on Jul 8, 2013

13 Cringeworthy Middle School Dance Songs

In the mid-to-late 1990s, we were tweens dancing to some sick jams. Sure, we knew all the lyrics to every song, but, as most of us still had bedtimes, we didn't really get what those words meant. Here are 13 songs about boners, doing crystal meth, and wrapping your dick up when you're with a hooker that we rocked out to in the school gym.

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Too Close was a big hit. A group of girls even choreographed a routine to it for our talent show.
It's a slow jam about getting a boner and creeping out your dance partner. — youtube.com / Via YouTube

Too Close was a big hit. A group of girls even choreographed a routine to it for our talent show.
It's a slow jam about getting a boner and creeping out your dance partner.

youtube.com / Via YouTube

Too Close was a big hit. A group of girls even choreographed a routine to it for our talent show.
It's a slow jam about getting a boner and creeping out your dance partner.

In the lyrics, a kid gets murdered and a guy gets HIV from his promiscuous girlfriend.
What I picked up from the song at the time? Rivers and lakes are, in fact, slower than waterfalls and therefore more "chaseable." — youtube.com / Via YouTube

In the lyrics, a kid gets murdered and a guy gets HIV from his promiscuous girlfriend.
What I picked up from the song at the time? Rivers and lakes are, in fact, slower than waterfalls and therefore more "chaseable."

youtube.com / Via YouTube

In the lyrics, a kid gets murdered and a guy gets HIV from his promiscuous girlfriend.
What I picked up from the song at the time? Rivers and lakes are, in fact, slower than waterfalls and therefore more "chaseable."

And the award for "Most Romantic Song About Ejaculation" goes to... — youtube.com / Via YouTube

And the award for "Most Romantic Song About Ejaculation" goes to...

youtube.com / Via YouTube

And the award for "Most Romantic Song About Ejaculation" goes to...

This is how I learned you're supposed to fall asleep while banging, but only after snorting copious amounts of drugs. — youtube.com

This is how I learned you're supposed to fall asleep while banging, but only after snorting copious amounts of drugs.

youtube.com

This is how I learned you're supposed to fall asleep while banging, but only after snorting copious amounts of drugs.

The only question I have about this song is: What do they mean by "even better when it's with ice cream?"
On second thought, don't answer that. — youtube.com

The only question I have about this song is: What do they mean by "even better when it's with ice cream?"
On second thought, don't answer that.

youtube.com

The only question I have about this song is: What do they mean by "even better when it's with ice cream?"
On second thought, don't answer that.

It's not real love until you've begged someone to stay with you at least 8 times. — youtube.com

It's not real love until you've begged someone to stay with you at least 8 times.

youtube.com

It's not real love until you've begged someone to stay with you at least 8 times.

Semisonic tricked me. Turns out, you don't have much of a choice of who you go home with at last call. — youtube.com

Semisonic tricked me. Turns out, you don't have much of a choice of who you go home with at last call.

youtube.com

Semisonic tricked me. Turns out, you don't have much of a choice of who you go home with at last call.

This song is very literally about getting drunk. Even 11-year-olds know that. — youtube.com

This song is very literally about getting drunk. Even 11-year-olds know that.

youtube.com

This song is very literally about getting drunk. Even 11-year-olds know that.

Nothing says "awesome slow dance music" like a song about leaving a baby in a dumpster at prom. — youtube.com

Nothing says "awesome slow dance music" like a song about leaving a baby in a dumpster at prom.

youtube.com

Nothing says "awesome slow dance music" like a song about leaving a baby in a dumpster at prom.

The lesson here is that real ladies do not come for free. — youtube.com

The lesson here is that real ladies do not come for free.

youtube.com

The lesson here is that real ladies do not come for free.

If she gets off first, she's totally down. Got it. — youtube.com

If she gets off first, she's totally down. Got it.

youtube.com

If she gets off first, she's totally down. Got it.

We'd all be better off if we had a designated driver to take our truck keys when we grab our 40's. — youtube.com

We'd all be better off if we had a designated driver to take our truck keys when we grab our 40's.

youtube.com

We'd all be better off if we had a designated driver to take our truck keys when we grab our 40's.

Moral of the story: There is absolutely no doubt that you should use a condom whilst nailing a prostitute and those ladies have knowledge that will blow your mind. — youtube.com

Moral of the story: There is absolutely no doubt that you should use a condom whilst nailing a prostitute and those ladies have knowledge that will blow your mind.

youtube.com

Moral of the story: There is absolutely no doubt that you should use a condom whilst nailing a prostitute and those ladies have knowledge that will blow your mind.

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