1. He has a winning and trustworthy smile.
Who wouldn’t vote for that face?
2. He’s well-educated.
His speeches would be hella entertaining.
3. He wouldn’t let his emotions get in the way.
Every issue would be scrutinized with an unbiased and inherently manly gaze.
4. He’s got pizzazz.
NEVER underestimate pizzazz.
5. He’s clever.
He’d be able to solve any problem in a stern and straightforward way.
6. He gets straight to the point.
Don’t try to BS this Chief of State.
7. The man knows how to pose.
His official portraits would be legendary.
8. He’d protect your constitutional rights.
The right to bear arms? Hell yes. I’m President Ron Fucking Swanson.
9. He’s relatable.
I like ice cream cones too! OMG!
10. He knows how to deal with people.
You can bet there would be no uppity shit during his time in office.
11. He knows what he wants.
He would know exactly how to help the country and, by god, he would get it done.
12. He’d have THE most entertaining sometimes-First Lady, bar none.
Tammy Swanson, bitches.
13. He is manly as hell.
LOOK AT THAT PINNACLE OF MAJESTY. NO ONE WOULD DARE DISRESPECT SUCH INNATE AUTHORITY.
15. His life policies are spot-on.
He’d get this country in tiptop shape before you could say “BACON.”
16. His mustache rivals that of William Howard Taft, another American president.
That, my compatriots, is a mustache of pure, unadulterated freedom.
17. He stands by his decisions.
You will never catch Ron Ulysses Swanson being wishy-washy.
18. He loves America.
That’s, like, Prerequisite Numero Uno for being president.
19. He wants to help the people.*
*Help them do nothing. What a kind-hearted, beautiful man.
20. He’s got a good handle on economics.
He would make sure everyone learned how to do things, and therefore never buy things.
21. He wouldn’t let the power get to his head.
Plus, he loves freedom too much to become a dictator.
22. He was BORN for this job.
Three snaps in a Z formation!
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