1. I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.
2. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, it’s just that he didn’t have the balls to do it.
3. The person who invented the door knocker won the No-Bell Prize.
4. When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
5. The store keeps calling me to come back, but all I wanted was one night-stand.
6. I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seat-belt. Then it clicked.
7. I’m going to make Wi-Fi my Valentine: we have such a connection!
8. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.
9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He’s lucky it was a soft drink.
10. The girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant, but I’d never met herbivore.
11. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
12. A scare crow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
14. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
15. The witch’s book was useless; she hadn’t run a spell check!
16. England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
17. A vulture tried to board a plane with two dead racoons, but the flight attendent said, “Sorry, sir- only one carrion allowed!”
Here Are The Top Stories
- A judge set a $1 million bond for Ray Tensing, who was charged with murder for fatally shooting Samuel Dubose.
- An ultra-Orthodox man stabbed six people at Jerusalem's gay pride parade today. He has been apprehended.
- Atlanta police are searching for two white men who were caught on security cameras placing Confederate flags at a historic church.