38 Reasons The FBI Needs To Leave Juggalos Alone

Leave Juggalos alone. posted on

If you didn’t already know — which I’ll be kind of surprised if you don’t by now — the Gathering of the Juggalos is a yearly get-together of Juggalos across the country. Every year, Juggalos (a Juggalo by definition is basically an Insane Clown Posse fan) meet in the southernmost tip of Illinois for a music festival. It is insane.

I’ve gone twice (so far) in my life. The first time, I was really scared. This was about the time when “Miracles” came out and I was literally just like, what the fuck? WHO ARE YOU?

But after actually going to the festival and meeting Juggalos, I learned a lot (89 things to be exact) and found out I was mostly being ignorant and had never really given Juggalos a chance.

So, yeah, this is me the first year I went.

Juggalos like graffiti. I like jorts. We are one and the same.

Now back to the FBI.


Last year, the FBI classified Juggalos as a “violent street gang.” In documents, the FBI said it planned to infiltrate the organization at “the street level” to find out more about them.

Everyone who actually knows Juggalos knows that this is insane. Here’s why.

1. All Juggalos are different. There are hipster Juggalos.

2. There are old Juggalos.

3. Some of them have marijuana armpit tattoos.

4. Some of them look like some weird version of Krusty the Clown.

5. And yes, you may be surprised, but there are even black Juggalos.

Basically there is no Juggalo archetype. They are all different.

6. They put yarn in their hair.

7. Object to gender norms.

There really is no “norm” when it comes to Juggalos.

8. And (some) openly do drugs.

Major props for this exquisite stand.

9. They hang out of their school busses littered with lit’ral shitty graffiti.

Looks like fun.

10. Hold Chucky dolls on sticks.

Artistic AND creepy.

11. Wear flour.

Good sunscreen alternative.

12. Make out in front of French fry stands.

Romantic.

13. And celebrate their birthdays however they please.

14. They give each other awesome nicknames.

Chubby Fingers = brilliant.

15. They give their trucks awesome nicknames.

Juggabago = good pun.

16. And by god, if you haven’t tried a stoner bowl, then you really haven’t lived.

17. Sometimes they dress as Batman and wear dildos.

18. Sometimes they call Jesus a cunt.

19. And sometimes they just stand there shirtless and watch.

So chill.

20. They may pass out on floats in the middle of ponds.

21. Or in front of their cars.

22. Or on the back of their cars.

HAVEN’T WE ALL?

23. But really, how dangerous does this girl hugging a 2-liter bottle of Faygo really look?

24. Or this dude with his ass hanging out?

Answer: not dangerous at all.

25. They melt glowsticks.

Kind of dangerous and sketchy but whatever.

26. Use balloons as GPS devices.

Smart.

27. Invent completely useless objects like giant umbrellas that protect against nothing.

28. And air-conditioner car units, which is actually kind of useful maybe.

I still have to try this out.

29. They hate hills.

TRUTH.

30. They wear whatever they want and don’t give a shit.

31. They believe in recreational marijuana use, which is totally a trend.

32. Paint their boobs to look like eyeballs.

33. And sometimes need a reminder about how trash cans work.

34. Basically, Juggalos are contributing members of society, whether it’s a Juggalo-owned web design company…

…or a homemade porn company.

It adds up!

35. These people are not a gang.

36. They hate the Black Eyed Peas.

37. They value family over everything else.

38. And also soda.

So if balloon animals…

…ass cracks…

…or burying bottles of soda on beaches bother you…

…then that’s your problem.

Stop the persecution, FBI. Leave Juggalos alone.

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